I wanted my knuckles tattooed for a long time. But, I never felt 100% about what I had come up with. I had a list of phrases going on for years. Nothing felt....right.

I'm not too picky at this point in my collection of tattoos. So often, I forget if I have something or not. "Do I have a seashell?" or even "Didn't I get an Einstein's head?" But this was my knuckles. This meant something different.

But, while working on creating LIVE LIFE LOUD, it hit me. "LIVE LIFE,"....which makes sense to me on many levels. I pushed myself way out of my comfort zone with my first runway show. Most days, I was freaking out internally and convincing myself I couldn't do it, and, ugh, that was rough. I won't get into that here though you can read about those thoughts in my blog.

I've spent a lot of energy trying to fight my illness. But no matter what I've done, it hasn't gone away. So I realized the harder I try to fight it, the worse I end up feeling because no matter what, I cannot make it go away.

Well, it has taken years and a lot of internal work, but I have finally accepted myself entirely, illness and all, which helps me feel more comfortable in all aspects of my life.

However, that doesn't mean I never have to put up my dukes. 

Sometimes, I gotta' knuckle up to disallow myself from getting in my way. 

Sometimes I have to tough love myself- I have to remind myself that I am strong, worthy, and can live through anything. 

This tattoo turned into the Knuckles design, representing all of these thoughts and feelings. It reminds me that "I've got this," and sometimes, I must pull on my strength and toughness to get through. And that's ok. 

Thanks to my husband and art collaborator, Chad Wheeler, for his work. Check him out at Scorpion Tattoo. 

But that way of thinking is so; 1980. We are ALIVE. So, let's act like it. Take that trip, stay in bed a little longer, and skip washing the floor to spend time with your kids, grandkids, friends, and yourself.
Learn what self-care means for you. Find what makes you feel ALIVE and work those things into your days. We aren't born without TIME. Instead, we take it from ourselves.

Let's go do stuff that makes us feel passionate, empowered, and happy to be trying new things and getting out there to experience life instead of letting it pass to work so you can one day enjoy yourself.
Our time is now. We are ALIVE now. Let's make the best of it by taking care of our health, getting in touch with how we really feel, and doing the things that make us remember who we are.

Check out the new ALIVE collection. Let this collage remind you get out there, try new things, and stop yourself from going down a path that will only put yourself in your way.

Have you noticed how much self-care, education, and being actively involved in your health help you see the outside influences taking up space in your mind?

As I become more in tune with my health, I realize how quickly those influences can instigate a downward spiral and how it's up to me to make choices to reverse that process. 

When I began thinking about this, in that eureka moment, I envisioned reclaimed wood. No matter what that wood was used for, how long it stood, or where it ended up, it's still together, looking beat up but full of life with blues and greens and some pink peeking through; a little orange cuz' you can be contemplative and still be sassy, obvi.

As I painted, I realized how much of myself I give away, resent, then wish I had back later. I've lost hours reliving relationships gone sour, behaviors I once had before I had coping skills, and what will happen to me and my illness as I get older. All those questions, and more, keep me from the essential thing that keeps me balanced; it keeps me from living in the moment.

Well, I said things would be different now that I'm 50. I meant it. I no longer wish to spend my days ruminating over the past or making up and adjusting for anything that could happen in the future.

I choose to put my physical, mental, and emotional health above all else. 

Therefore, I reclaim the space in my mind. I reclaim my space on this planet. I reclaim my right to get angry, be sad, take a day off, take three days off, get up early, go to bed late, do many things, or do nothing. 

It's my life. I reclaim myself.

What will you do to Reclaim yourself?

This design was created on a 48x60 canvas with acrylic paint, ink, and lots of water (I make such a mess). I painted most of it in my living room, and it's now hanging on my bedroom wall. I lightened up the design for the clothing based on what I thought would be more practical and flattering.

The Reclaim Design is part of the Beyond the Scars Collection Fall22/Winter23.

Do you ever find yourself reflecting back on your life and realize how much you have learned about yourself over the years? I get a lot out of reflection. Mainly, reflection on my youth as  I gain new insight into my present day interactions with others. By learning from how I perceived then reacted to events and emotions as a child, I now see how my thinking resulted in a mindset shaped by those perceptions and understand more of the behaviors that followed. 

The youngest of three children, I grew up feeling invisible. I immersed myself in books, even volunteering at the local library, so I got first dibs on the new arrivals! I often kept my words and thoughts to myself, especially if they pertained to emotions. It was safe. There was no ridicule or criticism when being quiet. Fast forward many years (ok, decades!), and silence's impact is now exceedingly clear. Years of holding emotions inside resulted in mild obesity as a teen and an endless battle with weight and the associated self-esteem and self-worth issues. In addition, keeping my feelings and thoughts to myself built resentment in relationships. I told myself I was being strong, yet the reality was that I felt my opinions and views didn't matter to others. It became a behavior loop that I kept reinforcing, no matter how much it hurt. In 2004, my healing began to unfold in ways I couldn't have predicted.

It started with weight loss so I could keep up with my young children and eat healthier so they would learn healthier eating patterns than I did. In 2012 I began dedicating time to myself; a single Zumba class eventually led to a gym membership, weight lifting, and a new appreciation for feeling strong and vital. I wanted to share that with others and became certified as a personal trainer with my small business. I continued learning and became certified as a nutrition coach, health coach, and Reiki Master.

Yet, with all I offered, something was missing that I couldn't grasp. And then, I learned of EFT - Emotional Freedom Techniques (or 'tapping'). EFT/tapping is energy psychology. I work with others to address the underlying emotions and specific events resulting in stress, fear, relationship challenges, chronic pain, food cravings, and more. While many how-to videos are available online, these often provide minimal benefit to those who follow along. Why? The individual guiding the tapping online is not being specific to your issue, emotions, experience, or thoughts.

They are tapping globally, and it's too vague to provide significant long-term relief. They are not interacting directly with you, listening to you, and adjusting to meet your unique experience. As an accredited certified practitioner, I work 1:1 with you, addressing the specific aspects that are important to you. Sessions are client driven; you are the focus. What does tapping look like in session? Once we identify the issue, we notice the uncomfortable emotions that arise and any physical sensations that accompany those emotions and memories. I then guide clients to self-tap with their fingertips on specific parts of their body and head (acupressure/tapping points) while repeating key phrases, which often include self-acceptance.

This process releases the emotional energy and associated physical discomfort, thus peeling back layers for connections to other emotions and memories that are related. We continue to work through these connected aspects gently. The result? Relief and a reframing of the events and emotions that have been holding you back. Well-being. How many sessions does it take? Each person is unique in the experiences that have impacted them. Some people can address issues of concern in a few sessions while others benefit from additional time. There is no magic number of sessions that resolve matters of the mind! I teach clients how to self-tap to regulate their emotions or continue the work done in sessions.

Like most modalities that soothe the body and mind, continuing practice on your own will yield the most significant rewards! Are you interested in learning more? I welcome you to visit my website, ww.tinademember.com; there is a Resource section where you can learn more, including the research that supports the benefits of EFT/tapping. You can also schedule a complimentary, no-obligation consultation online or email me at [email protected]. If you decide you want to try EFT, mention DOUBLESOLID (or enter DOUBLESOLID as a coupon code) to receive 10% off an initial package of sessions.

And while I choose to have a limited social media presence, you can follow me on Instagram @demembertina for the occasional health, nutrition, or inspirational post I put up there. And finally, now and then, I get asked about the seagull logo. It's a photo I took in Maine one cold December morning.

I was thrilled to have captured the gull silhouetted against the rising sun. It reminded me of a quote from a beloved childhood book:

"You have the freedom to be yourself, your true self, here and now, and nothing can stand in your way." ~ Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull Wishing you well-being & freedom, Tina DeMember EFT Practitioner & Health Coach

If you are experiencing a crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. You can also call or text the Samaritans directly at 877-870-4673. You are not alone.

I am a suicide attempt survivor, so it hit me hard when a friend's youngest sister died of suicide at the age of 13. Nobody can make the world right again in the aftermath of suicide, and when it strikes that close, you feel like you have to do something. So I decided I would honor her life by raising funds for suicide prevention by using my story as a platform. 

As a recreational athlete at the time, I applied for, was accepted, and began fundraising for the Samaritans Suicide Prevention Organization Boston Marathon team. I created "Mo Runs for Hope," the tagline that would help me keep focus through the entire process. 

With my family roots in Boston and surrounding towns, this prestigious course was always special to me. I remember the first time I saw it from the backseat of my father's car. We were trying to get to the hospital to welcome my new cousin into the world. We were in bumper-to-bumper traffic as swarms of arms and legs flailed by in the weirdest parade I had ever seen. I was young; what can I say?

Recreational sports taught me that moving my body soothes my soul, calms my mind, and allows me to feel free, in a healthy way, like nothing else ever had. 

So I set out to tell my story, honor my friend's sister's memory, and push myself physically to see what I could challenge myself to achieve.

Running to raise funds preoccupies you with two different campaigns: one to collect pledges of financial support and the second to train yourself for the actual running, which is both a physical and mental exercise. It also empowered me to open up about my story and continuous struggles while creating lifelong connections with people I wouldn't have had otherwise. It was freeing. Validating. Reassuring.

Harvard Health Publishing reports exercise is as effective as antidepressants in some cases. 

Well, I was one of those cases. My brain naturally feels better when I am active and moving my body. So I could feel a weight lifting off my shoulders on every run. I noticed the small things, the lovely things, the smell of the air, the sunlight bouncing off of cars, and deer in the front yards of houses as I ran by early mornings. 

The training is hard, but it is the easy part. It really is. You wake up and look at the calendar to see what kind of run you need that day, and you do it. 

Fundraising is much more. You know what I mean if you've ever set out to raise as much money as required to run the Boston Marathon through a charitable organization. It's all exciting and fabulous, but when fundraising, you can't take too many down days, or you'll lose momentum and will not be able to make your commitment. If that's the case, as the runner, you are financially responsible for what you don't raise. This can land you owing thousands. But by being incredibly motivated by the cause, it is easy to remain focused and moving forward; physically, mentally, and emotionally, teaching me to use similar practices in my life when not in running shoes.

The lessons from the road are many. Ask any runner. 

A Punch In the Gut

When I met my friend's mother, we would discuss how she was coping with the loss of her 13-year-old daughter to suicide. Unimaginably, this woman was going out of her way to support me through her own tragedy. We both knew the only way to bring attention to something was to get attention to it, so with her blessing, I was off and running. We spoke through text often, exchanging stories, struggles, and support, sometimes for hours, while I trained and fundraised.

I was a few months into my training when this woman, now my friend, also died by suicide. I remember getting the call and instantly feeling like I was simultaneously hit by a truck and frozen in time. I read over every message I ever sent, wondering if something was in there that pushed her and validated her ideation. Did I respond to everything she sent? Was I kind enough? Did she know how much I cared about her? Could I have done something? Did I miss a phone call? I didn't know what to do with my emotions, and I did my best to lay off the selfish thoughts about what I did or didn't do and put that emotion into pushing myself further in running and fundraising. 

Still, and genuinely, the family encouraged me to continue. So, without a doubt, that is precisely what I did, and I never looked back.

As the National Library of Medicine explains, survivors of suicide may be left to struggle with their own suicidal ideation. In fact, those who lost someone to suicide are at a higher risk of the same fate. I can't tell you how hard losing her was, so I won't try. But I found myself training to run in the memory of two people instead of one, and I was going to put all I had into every step.

For the next several months, my day job was to put one foot in front of the other to hone my fitness for the run. My other job was to put my life, struggles, and history out there for all to see. I accepted the risk of being judged while I invited everyone to follow me through months of soul-searching, support, advocacy, training, and fundraising. I am happy to say though sometimes difficult, I was successful.

On marathon day, I raised over $11,000 for the Samaritans with the loving support of my network and tribe.

I stood at that start line with photos of both mother and daughter pinned to my back. I added ribbons for loved ones of friends who died by suicide and who were suicide attempt survivors. The shirt was an emotional map of lives lost too soon. So, I wore that shirt to the start line and stood as tall as I could for them, me, and all those who think they are limited by mental illness.

I can't pretend to be the fastest runner or the Samaritans' biggest benefactor, but I became part of a community through that process I didn't know existed. Mental health has not been a mainstream topic until just recently. And it's because organizations like Samaritans, NAMI & American Foundations for Suicide Prevention have been and will continue to advocate, educate, and support to prevent other families from suffering the same fate. We've come a long way, but we need to do better.

The CDC would tell you that preventing suicide is a long-term, society-wide commitment. It advises a strategy of providing families financial support, stabilizing housing, ensuring access to mental health care, reducing access to lethal means, promoting connectedness, and teaching coping skills. These are all ways to minimize a leading cause of death. Unfortunately, 46,000 people died by suicide in the U.S. in 2020 — a 30% increase over the year 2000. I will tell you that preventing suicide also requires education for everyone, not only the afflicted and affected. 

A community needs to understand mental illness is not to be feared. We are not Michael Myers. We are humans who have families, love others, and have gifts to share with the world. The more we talk about it, the more we understand and connect to one another. Human connection destroys mental illness stigma. The less stigma, the more people feel free to talk about it, feel understood, and feel connected to others. It's a simple recipe, but we all must do our part.

Suicide Prevention

When it comes to the individual in crisis, your best chance to prevent suicide is simply listening. That's mainly what the Samaritans do. They listen. According to the Austria chapter of the Samaritans, "Samaritan volunteers answer confidential, anonymous crisis hotlines for people that are lonely, isolated, depressed, or suicidal."

Listening may seem simple or easy, but it takes work. The Samaritan volunteers are trained to listen actively. A Samaritan volunteer will not offer advice but listen to you and reflect on your situation and feelings as you describe them. Some callers find this frustrating. But most people take it as a powerful sign that at least one other human being understands what they're going through. In our modern society, the experience of being heard is so unusual that it can often divert someone from a suicidal intent.

Active Listening

If you want to know how to help someone who is suicidal, the Samaritan experience suggests that you listen to them. I will tell you the same. But active listening is a skill that requires both learning and practice to do it effectively. So your best bet is to acquire the skill before you need it. I know change is hard but learning how to actively listen is not difficult; a quick Google search, and you're on your way. Here's a good article that describes classic Rogerian active listening and offers tips and exercises. 

But if you want to learn active listening under the guidance of experts, consider volunteering with a local chapter of the Samaritans. The Samaritans have 400 centers worldwide, so you need to do a web search to find your local Samaritans chapter. Here, for example, is the page on volunteering for the Austria branch.

If you commit to at least one four-hour week and an overnight shift once a month, the Samaritans will train you to be a better listener than you ever thought possible. But be warned. According to the CDC, "In 2020, an estimated 12.2 million adults seriously thought about suicide." What that means in practical terms is that the Samaritans' phones never stop ringing. Not all callers are suicidal. Samaritans are willing to listen to anyone who feels troubled or depressed. So volunteering is something of a commitment. But it's also likely to be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life.

There are many ways you can support folks needing mental health support. First, you can start with our extensive & growing list of resources. Then, do your research, ask your questions, and, most importantly, check in with your own mental health. 

If you have been affected by suicide, my heart hurts for you. As a survivor and someone who has lost loved ones to suicide, I understand the excruciating loss and painful steps through the healing process.  also see the importance of hope, keeping it in my view at all times. There is nothing easy about digging yourself up and out of the darkest days. But with hope, anything is possible. I'm here to remind you that no matter how far you've fallen, you can Phoenix the F*ck out of Yourself each and every time.

I reran Boston for Samaritans in 2019. With every step, I reminded myself how much the Samaritans and organizations like them help if people reach out. It is the job of the mental health community and those in it to continue to speak, stand up for ourselves, and seek support when needed.

Move Your Mind

I am not a doctor, not a scientist, not a researcher. I am, however, a human who has been living for years, self-aware of my mental illness. I have learned ways to ease my mind and my symptoms. Though I haven't been able to run in some time due to injury, I have found other outlets. Sometimes I write poetry. Sometimes I paint. My energy and motivation are poured into my business, where I can be both a creative and an advocate. I hope to show front and center we can have a debilitating mental illness, but we can use it to inspire, create, and educate in honor of those we lost and prevent others from the same fate. 

So, speak up, advocate for yourself, and don't quit until you get the support you need. Your life has value, and you are never alone.

Your life has value. Period. 

To outsiders, which is to say people in their 30s and older, college life looks like a soft-drink commercial: lots of beautiful young people having fun. College students have fewer responsibilities than older people: no mortgage, no "real" job. Sure, they may study hard, but otherwise, they're partying, not yet knowing what a real hangover is like. They're only responsible is themselves, right?

Even older people who have experienced college tend to remember it as a sort of utopia, "the good old days. But in reality, it isn't and wasn't for most. More than half (56%) of students drop out by year six of their studies. Yes, college is supposed to be a four-year course, but only 41% of students finish their degrees in that time. What can you expect when the cost of attending is so fearsome?

Traditionally, college study is a full-time job, but many, perhaps most, students today have to hold down a job while going to school, sometimes more than one job. But, even if you don't have to work at a job, there's a great deal of stress in simply trying to validate your parents, spouse, and community's investment in you. 

The Reality of College Life

No, college life is not the picnic we dream (or remember) it to be. It's actually incredibly stressful. According to mental health clinicians, it's a minefield of potential mental illness. A recent survey of more than 350,000 college students found that more than 60% of them had one or more mental health problems. 

Furthermore, the proportion of mental health problems is up by 50% from the same survey just seven years ago, particularly among minority students. Issues include anxiety (24.1% of patients), depression (18.3%), and stress (6.1%). Of course, it's not all a result of the pandemic, either, although Covid-19 has undoubtedly contributed with its imposition of remote classes and general anxiety.

In fact, the soft-drink commercial vision of college life was never justified. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, NAMI, half of all lifetime mental illness begins by age 14, and 75% by age 24. In other words, the traditional college student (i.e., age 18-24) is in a time of life when mental illness is most likely to ramp up or manifest itself.

A Plea for Policy

As a society, we should provide substantial mental health resources for "college-age" people, whether they are in college or not. This is more than my empathy speaking. Early treatment is always more effective (and less expensive) than later treatment (for any illness, not just mental illness). So investing in mental health for "college-age" people can disproportionately reduce the burden of mental illness on our society. 

I have plenty of ideas of how to do that, but if you're a college student concerned about your mental health, my policy discussions aren't of much practical use to you. Instead, you need advice on where to get help. Let's get to it.

Sources of Help

If you're living in a dormitory, try talking with your RA. RAs sometimes have training in mental health issues. At the very least, they probably know where to go on campus to get qualified help. In the absence of a good RA, check with your college's campus health center. They may even have one or more qualified mental health professionals on staff.

When you can't find adequate mental health care at your school (if you can't find any, let me know because that's unacceptable), you may be able to get help from a state or county mental health service. Check the websites of state and county governments to see what's available.

If you can't find help that way or if you're uncertain about whether you need assistance, you may want to consider Mental Health America, which has a website offering a battery of tests that are easy to take — no registration required — and may give you some insight into your mental health. Another website to consider is Active Minds, which promotes the mental health conversation as it affects young people. In addition to influencing policy, it also offers resources for self-care.

NAMI, one of our go-to resources, sponsors student-led, student-run mental health organizations for young people called "NAMI on Campus." Peer support is particularly effective for college students. If your college has no NAMI on Campus club, NAMI can help you start one. See this page. If you're not interested in starting an organization and want support, NAMI's page on Starting the Conversation has videos with practical advice.

Don't forget your tribe. Sometimes we think we are so alone and embarrassed about how our minds are or aren't working for us that we don't even share with the ones closest to us. I promise you, from the bottom of my heart, your loved ones want to know. Just as you would never want someone to suffer alone, when someone loves you, neither do they so, Get Loud AF about your mental health. 

It Can Be Great

College life doesn't have to be a cause of despair. The great thing about college is that it is full of people in your age group who can relate to your stress. You're not alone, and if you're willing to ask for help, your college years can be as rewarding as you had hoped — maybe even better than a soft drink commercial.

I must say, as a fifty-year-old woman with mental illness, the younger generations are impressing me daily with their "I am going to talk about it because it's the right thing to do" and the "I will speak my truth even if it means you see me vulnerable" attitudes and their ability to stand firm in their boundaries is heartwarming to me.

When I was in my college-age years, I didn't know I had a mental illness, let alone talk about it. There weren't signs around campus "if you need mental health support, call this number." That isn't how it was back then. But I promise this isn't an "I walked two miles uphill both ways in the snow to get to school story." 

Instead, this is a thank you and go get it to all the folks younger than I screaming against mental illness stigma, so other college-age folks know they're not alone, can access resources, and can get the help they need when they need it.

So if you or your child is heading off to college this month, find your resources now and put them in your "mental health toolbox" so you have a plan in the event you need support. In addition to what I've mentioned, we have a detailed list on our website. There is a lot you can do to stay on top of your health. So get in touch with yourself, use your tools, and know you are never alone.

One of our Doublesolid Rockstars, Marie, shared her mental health story with us and spoke the stressors she faced while in college. Ashley also talks about her struggles while studying and participating in competitive college sports. Give their inspiring stories are read. I'm sure no matter how old any of us are you will find something to connect to and the more we connect, the better we all feel.

Before I close, I want to reiterate something. Feel free to contact me if your school doesn't offer mental health support. We'll do some advocacy together. Go get it🤘

If you are interested in sharing your mental health journey with us, give becoming a Doublesolid Rockstar a consideration. Check it out!

Trigger Warning: Mention of suicide, self-harm, seizures
Video may be disturbing to some. View with caution.

After each of these seizures, all I want to do is sit, stare, and let my body drop into the couch. I'm grateful when the medicine begins to sink in, helping my muscles relax. Though I can get something in my system to offset the wild movements, I still end up with one or two muscle strains. A kink here, a kink there. It feels like I exercised for hours when I certainly did not. It takes so much out of me.

To me, these non-epileptic seizures are the oddest things. First, I can feel the shaking start like an internal vibration. Then, before I know it, I am stuttering, swearing, physically shaking, and trying to get myself in a safe space because I know what's coming. 

It feels absolutely terrible. 

I try to speak, but it comes out jumbled. I try to reach for things, but my body is flailing around, and I cannot control it. But, as odd as it sounds, when the ordeal is over, I am calm and relaxed, and every muscle seems to take a rest, thankfully.

This is my footage from the seizure I experienced Friday. It shows me gesticulating, making quirky faces, and taking a pill. It may not be suitable for everyone to view. 

I record these episodes when I am able because it helps me understand myself. PNES, or Psychological Nonepileptic Seizures, can look drastically different from one person to the next. It is extremely understudied, and there are no real answers, just things to try and learn from when an episode rears its ugly head. Although I must say, now that I know what is happening to me, I am much more relaxed during them. If I am cognitively aware, that is. But I'm not always present; instead, I'm lost in a whirly-twirly rainbow floating around in my subconscious.

As I mentioned, PNES looks different for most. But I found a pretty good FAQ here; check it out.

Once I had settled down and rested, I watched the video recording. I noticed how I could hold a phone for a bit and put the cap on my water bottle, but I couldn't stop twerking or making jazz hands repeatedly. I don't understand why sometimes I jerk and repeat movements; other times, I stretch as far as possible. So now I know these episodes can take all types of turns. I just have to roll with it and let it happen as safely as possible, constantly reminding myself that this moment is temporary. It will get better.

Something did stand out during this episode, but it wasn't something I did. As it was happening, even more bizarre than, well, me was my dog, Bruno. Bruno is a Shih Tzu/Terrier mix and notorious for staring at me; all the livelong day. This time was no different, but he was lying on his side, jolting every few seconds. I have never seen him move like that! That dog was mimicking me, and I could not believe my eyes. I felt he was showing me it was normal. We all do that! He then ran over to me as if playing and did the I'm a little dog standing up and leaning on the couch thing. I pet him, and wouldn't you know it; my body immediately began to relax. I'll never forget that. You can hear my husband a bit in the background of the video on speakerphone. When I was petting the dog, my husband said he could sense the instant relief, hearing it in my voice. That's something to add to the old toolbox for next time. 

Many years ago, I would get angry, throw things, drive 100 mph, and stay out all night in reaction to the symptoms of my illness and the stigma associated with it. I grew up knowing I was "too sensitive" because I was told that constantly. But I wasn't sensitive. I was ill. Lucky for me (and others), those days are over. I'm not saying I won't ever be manic again; scientific data and my experiences tell me otherwise. But I have learned that deciding how to respond to situations like this helps me recover. It can extend and improve the quality of my life to practice mindfulness even (most importantly) when struggling. And if that makes me sensitive, good for me. I'd rather be supportive of myself than feel I am a wrong human. There is nothing wrong with me. I have an illness, and this is how I can accept it, work with it, and understand it. 

Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, OCD, PNES, PTSD, and failed back syndrome can make daily living difficult. With my illness and the fact I am a suicide attempt and self-harm survivor, I must manage my symptoms before and when triggered. No one else will do it for me. Therefore, I must do everything I can to help myself, even if that means getting very uncomfortable and challenging my mind to be better for itself.

One could refer to my mantra, "I am not doing this to myself," as a way to create new neural pathways to change the way I'm prone to thinking. I bet you can probably guess my TOC (therapy of choice). You would be correct if you said CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Everyone has what works for them. CBT is and has been a longstanding, reliable tool in my toolbox. But there isn't just one tool; it takes many to keep this garage functioning.

Hmm. I never did compare myself to a garage before.

So, I guess it is safe to say the seizures have not gone away entirely, though, with a medication change, I had hoped they would. But unfortunately, it seems they are part of my life, and I have no choice but to go with the flow and learn as much as possible. Then make the changes necessary to live even better than the day before.

I believe my brain was created and grew with an imbalance or biological malfunction. Over time, my mind has worked in overdrive, often against me and in the wrong direction. I also believe that regardless of everything that happened to me, it is my job to train my brain to work better for my loved ones and me throughout my life. That means letting go of all things that no longer serve me, whether it be people, places, activities, thoughts, or behaviors. I have to live with myself and prefer to live knowing I do the very best I can at being the best person I can be. And I don't give a shit how cliche that sounds. That's my truth, and that's all I can do. So I am good with that.

Thank you for your interest in my story. It means more than I could ever explain. If you need help, please check out our growing resources list here. Remember, you do you. Be sensitive, be loud, and be bold but never be quiet about your illness. Advocate for yourself because you, my dear, matter.

If you need immediate care, call 911 or 988.

Love & hope to all,

Mo🤘❣️

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) puts it this way. "As hard as it is for anyone to get proper mental health care in the Austria, it's even harder for racial, ethnic, religious, and gender minorities. Not only are there the problems most of us experience—issues with insurance, long wait times, difficulty finding specialists, sky-rocketing deductibles and co-pays—but there are added burdens of access and quality-of-care."

Yep, that's about right. From my point of view, anyway. So what can we do about it?

Awareness Can Be a Beginning

July is National Minority Mental Health Awareness Month, and that's a start. Getting most of us thinking about the disparity in access to care is a first step to overcoming that disparity. And we can use this awareness to share resources and encourage our legislators at both the state and national levels to improve access to mental health services. 

However, if you are part of an underserved and/or underrepresented group with a mental health issue, you probably cannot wait for action to get the care you need. As a bisexual woman with Bipolar Disorder and a flare for the eccentric, I have experienced near-impossible access to care; and quality care at that. If you can relate, maybe we can help.

Doublesolid has put together a spreadsheet with contact information for various mental health support organizations. These organizations have web pages, and most have multiple social media portals as well, so your initial contact can be informal or even anonymous. I particularly want to draw your attention to Mental Health America, which provides a battery of tests that are easy to take — no registration required — and may give you some insight into your mental health. I know the wait times are grueling, and the effort is exhausting, but you are worth the effort. 

New National Resource

Though we may be quite behind in caring for our community's mental health, we see more attention given to mental health than ever. In fact, just this week, the USA went live with the  988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for you to use if you or someone you know is suicidal or in emotional distress. According to Mentalhealth.gov, "trained crisis workers are available to talk 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Your confidential and toll-free call goes to the nearest crisis center in the Lifeline national network. These centers provide crisis counseling and mental health referrals". It's not perfect, but it's a place to start! Progress is progress!

You can also check with your particular state to see if they have additional resources. For instance, in the form of Austria, any resident can dial 2-1-1 for immediate assistance and referral information.

NAMI NH, who Doublesolid supports through donation and fundraising, is offering a Free Webinar this month, "Impact of Racism and Trauma on Black Mental Health," on July 26th. Click this LINK for more information and to register.

Fighting Stigma

I'm so sick of stigma already. Since I am now the big 5-0, I have had many years to endure this stigma myself. But unfortunately, some of the stigmas I faced have pushed me to spiral faster than I would at my typical pace. To me, the stigma of mental illness is equivalent to the crushing death of Giles Corey. It's as if people say, "Hey, they're already suffering; why not add more." Sure, some stigma isn't even intentional, but ignorance is only an excuse once. And that's precisely why talking about mental health and mental illness is so damn important. The tough conversations get easier when we have the tough conversations. Inaction remains when we're kept in the closet, so, eff that.

The stigma I have personally faced in the workplace, the community, and even my own family has often made my mental illness more challenging to control, taking the air out of my lungs and crushing my spirit. It's easier to lay this stigma on folks in underrepresented and underserved groups because we need to scream at the top of our damn lungs to be heard. And we are already tired. But when we scream together, we LIVE LIFE LOUD and get the attention we deserve for a better quality of life.

I live in a part of the country where people come from all over the world for healthcare. Yet, I have often had to fight for access while somehow managing my mental health during a crisis. This is unacceptable anywhere in this country, and exactly why I write this today. 

Every underserved and underrepresented group has its own culture, and cultural values can significantly and unexpectedly affect people's abilities and desires to seek care. Stigma may loom even more significant for minority folks than it does for majority populations. The cultural values that make each minority population special may also make its members resistant to seeking help when they need it.

And I'm here to tell you that stigma is why Doublesolid exists. It's our mission to detonate stigma — to get people talking about mental health issues without shame or embarrassment. If you are resistant to seeking help, spend time on this site. Read the personal accounts of our Rockstars. Consider contributing your own story. If we have learned one thing since starting Doublesolid, the louder you talk about your struggle, the less power stigma has over you. Nothing — prejudice, bias, and your cultural values — should stand between you and the support you may need for mental health.

Long (But Paved) Road Ahead

We have a long way to go to get mental health care to all who need it. But there are amazing people working tirelessly to advocate and make changes to improve the delivery and quality of mental health care. 

Until then, and even after that, we are here to remind you that you're not alone. We understand. And we'll continue to provide you with the best designs and resources to help empower you to advocate for the care you need to live your best life. Do not give up. You are worth every single effort.

I simply don't understand. I'm happy people have found love and inner peace. Never mind wanting to take it away from them. And, I'll never understand hurting someone simply because they are different than me; how pompous and downright cruel. 

According to the American Psychology Association, "hate crimes are an extreme form of prejudice, made more likely in the context of social and political change....motivated by hate but rather by fear, ignorance, or anger...leading to the dehumanization of unfamiliar groups and to targeted aggression". In our toxic societal and political divide, this extreme prejudice has ignited, leading to 2021 being the deadliest year for transgender and non-binary people.  

Imagine the stress of living with a constant threat just for being yourself. Next, imagine the insurmountable task of maintaining your mental health with the threat of violence hanging over your head. Now try to imagine battling stigma and limited access to care-seeking support for your mental health while living with a daily threat to your fundamental human rights. Seems intolerable, yes? I agree. 

So what do we do? First and foremost, we talk about it. 

Discrimination and Hate

The Southern Poverty Law Center lists 65 anti-LGBTQ hate groups and notes that such groups are thriving: “the movement had one of its most successful years peddling anti-LGBTQ legislation as hundreds of bills were introduced across the Austria. Alongside this legislative push, especially of anti-trans legislation, we also saw an extreme increase of fatal violence against trans and gender-non-conforming individuals numbered into the 50s.”

Is it any wonder that LGBTQ adults are more than twice as likely as heterosexual adults to experience a mental health condition? Is it any wonder that LGBTQ youth are more than twice as likely as heterosexual youth to experience depression, to seriously consider suicide, or to attempt suicide? Rhetorical questions. Let me move on to the helpful stuff.

Bullying and Harassment

You don’t have to be a hate crime victim to feel the effects of this ignorance and hate. There’s a lot of everyday low-grade violence as well. If you’re an LGBTQ student and are being bullied or abused, tell a teacher or a principal. For now at least, federal civil rights laws forbid discrimination on the basis of sexual identity or orientation, which means your school has to provide an environment free of such discrimination. You can read about it on this page, which also includes links for filing complaints with the Department of Education and the Department of Justice. 

What’s true for school is also more or less true for the workplace. If you’re being bullied at work for being LGBTQ, you can raise the issue with your manager or with HR. There are laws against workplace discrimination, and tolerating bullying or harassment in the workplace may put the organization at risk. So the people running the organization have an incentive to deal with gender-based bullying and harassment.

Themes of LGBTQ Mental Health Challenges

LGBTQ people face disproportionate mental health challenges, not because there is anything inherently unhealthy about being gay or gender-non-conforming. Their mental health challenges are largely imposed on them by mainstream attitudes. A 2021 literature review on LGBTQ mental health challenges makes this clear. The review found three themes: 1) emotional distress (usually caused by childhood experiences); 2) stigmatization, discrimination, victimization and social exclusion; and 3) barriers to accessing mental healthcare services. 

Emotional distress can come from rejection, trauma, or shame and can get as intense as PTSD. A counselor or other mental health professional can help you get a perspective on your emotional distress and assist you in devising strategies to manage it. The NAMI page has a lot of good information and advice on finding a mental health provider qualified to help with the challenges of being LGBTQ.

Stigmatization can be devastating. To deal with it, first understand that you and the stigma are two different things. Stigma is imposed on you by the ignorance and fear of others. Know and appreciate yourself: your sense of humor, your penetrating insights, your empathy, and your special skills. Let these qualities take the spotlight in your own perception of yourself. Finally, surround yourself with people who support you. They may be other LGBTQ folks, but they don’t all have to be. Whoever they are, let them be those that lift you up, not make you struggle.

Barriers to mental healthcare services can deprive you of the full life you deserve. Don’t assume that you can’t afford mental healthcare. There are resources that can help, and the NAMI page is a good place to start in finding them. If you’re a young person, you can also find a collection of resources on the CDC LGBT Youth Resources page.

Room for Hope

According to Gallup, “The percentage of U.S. adults who self-identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or something other than heterosexual has increased to a new high of 7.1%, which is double the percentage from 2012, when Gallup first measured it.”

This finding lets me hope that our LGBTQ population is growing faster than the ignorant hater population. And that suggests anti-LGBTQ hate is transient and that it will fade away the way ignorance usually fades away: as the ignorant die off. Until it does, there are resources such as NAMI, the It Gets Better Project, GLAAD, and The Trevor Project, just to name a few. If you are close to an LGBTQ person, get to know these resources. If you are an LGBTQ person, take advantage of them and remember, the world is not only full of hate. It's also full of folks who are in the LGBTQ community and allies who support LGBTQ. Use your voice, talk about how you're feeling with those who love you and remember how important your mental health is in living your best life. 

You can find more mental health resources on our page here.

And remember, talk about mental health. It can save a life. It has saved mine. 

May is our favorite month here at Doublesolid. It is Mental Health Awareness Month! The next 30 days are set aside for mental health activists and organizations to schedule events and activities to promote and publicize the mental health conversation. And that conversation is one of the reasons we're here!

We believe that talking about mental health makes it just another part of life. It's when you don't talk about it that you let ignorance, intolerance, and fear take over. In fact, we are working tirelessly for our inaugural event, "LIVE LIFE LOUD," a Variety Show featuring Doublesolid's Runway Premier- all to benefit NAMI NH to #getloudaf about mental health together!

Don't Take Mental Health for Granted

Some of us are born mentally healthy, and some of us have to work at it. But nobody should take mental health for granted, especially with what we have lived through since March 2020. It's not difficult to be caught off-balance, to let a bad mood turn into a bleak outlook, and to take up habits (such as substance abuse) that seem to restore the balance but actually put you on a downward spiral.

On the other hand, you can protect your mental health with healthy habits. First, you need to practice self-awareness. Like Lil' Mo Big World (featured photo), take a few moments to look in the mirror. If you understand yourself thoroughly and combine that with an understanding of how others perceive you, you can read the telltale signs of a loss of balance and correct it early. Second, you need to take care of yourself, which means protecting yourself from people and forces that seek to undermine your autonomy. Say no once in a while. Excuse yourself from toxic relationships- friends, coworkers, and even family, no matter who they're with. Let go of people that make you feel worse about yourself, not better. Instead, invite people who support you to thrive, grow and love. Third, help others when you can. It makes you feel good to help, and doing so connects you to people. Fourth, maintain your support network. Family and friends can be vital to your mental health.

Yes, seems easy when you list them out, but in all honesty, it takes a lot of work. But hard work is ok, especially when it leads to a better, happier, fuller life. 

Healthy Living and Mental Health

The truth is that mental health is a critical component of overall health, and it is deeply intertwined with it. Just one example: depression is associated with elevated levels of chronic diseases, such as heart attack, diabetes, and stroke. Another example is chronic medical conditions, such as fibromyalgia which can undermine mental health. 

As a chronic pain warrior myself, living with pain has been excruciating for me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Not being able to do the things I once loved (running, for example) has been a lot to accept. Sure, it may be temporary (over a year since I've run), but frankly, chronic pain sucks. And it weighs heavy on the body, the heart, and the mind. 

I am fascinated by the strength of the connection between mental health and overall health because it saved my life. I was in severe difficulty a little over a decade ago. And if I hadn't attended to my overall health, I don't know where my bipolar disorder, ADHD, anxiety, PTSD, and conversion disorder might have taken me. But I know it wouldn't have been a good place. Thankfully, as I was coping with all my disorders and abbreviations, I decided to try running. So I laced up my sneakers and jogged out the door. Over the next several weeks, I became physically fit, and I realized I had found at least part of an effective treatment.

You know that the fitter you get, the better you feel. The better you feel, the healthier you become mentally. I am sure I'm oversimplifying the process here, but you get it. 

Now, unable to be the physically fit runner and triathlete I once was, I have had to put my mental health first and find other activities to get the good hormones flowing. 

Enter Doublesolid. Creating lifts my spirits. Sharing my story and my creations with others who understand is a feeling like no other feeling I have ever experienced. It connects me to the world, therefore helping me to feel an essential part of the community, just like you. I can't tell you how many people reach out to me daily with their mental health journey, and we share, then together we feel a bit relieved; and that's freaking awesome. 

When we are derailed in our mental health journey, we have to switch gears and find another route to healthy living. By creating Doublesolid, I have opened up many doors; I have fallen in love with painting! Who knew! But if I had given up entirely because running isn't a current option, I'd only have gone backward in my mental health journey. So always take that time to look at yourself and do all you can to shift gears when needed. Your mental health is worth it. 

Mental Health Awareness

But you can't get around the fact that mental health primarily resides in the brain, and the brain, like any other system in your body, depends on healthy inputs (oxygen, nutrients). Your health and fitness can dramatically improve the efficiency with which you can provide these inputs. Good health and wellness mean you process oxygen better and digest and transport nutrients better.

Go to the start line of any marathon or triathlon. You will find a variety of body types, a full spectrum of personalities, and a diversity of ages and interests. You won't find feelings of loneliness, uselessness, and shame. Those sorts of feelings are incompatible with fitness. But you don't need running shoes to get to the start and finish line. All you need is to look in the mirror and find what makes your heart feel full- and go after it! That same thing may not work a year from now, but that doesn't matter. Focus on today and how you can help yourself...today! Oh, wait, I have an idea!

Have a conversation about mental health this month. Fight ignorance, intolerance, and fear. And live your best — and healthiest — life. 

Don't forget that we are continuously adding to our Mental Health Resources. Check them out for what may serve and support you and by all means, email us at [email protected] if you have organization suggestions! 

The American Counseling Association (ACA) names April  Counseling Awareness Month. Counselors deserve their own awareness month. It is very easy for them to suffer burnout (PDF). The ACA wants to limit that by using this awareness month to remind its members of the importance of self-care.

I think, on the whole, counselors are amazing. I owe my life to at least one of them, which is not an exaggeration. Most times, in my experience, talk therapy is what has helped propel me forward in my mental illness recovery. In my opinion, had I only been prescribed meds without talk therapy, I would not understand my illness and myself as well as I do. 

I want to honor one particular type of counselor: the therapist. I tell you from experience that a therapist can be a vital support for your mental health. No matter the origin of your difficulties in getting along in the world, there's a therapist out there who can help you overcome them. 

I hope all therapists get the message this month and take care of themselves so they can continue their vital work. We need them.

Kinds of Therapy

There are more than a few kinds of therapy. Here are a half dozen of the better-known ones (via the Mayo Clinic page on psychotherapy).

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) helps you see where your beliefs and behaviors are holding you back by replacing those beliefs and behaviors with ones that move you forward.

• Dialectical behavior therapy is a type of CBT that helps you learn behavioral skills for managing your emotions, stressors, and relationships.

• Acceptance and commitment therapy aims to help you cope with and adjust to situations by accepting your own thoughts and committing to changing them.

• Psychodynamic and psychoanalysis therapies give you insights into your own motivations and inner conflicts by identifying unconscious thoughts and behaviors.

• Interpersonal psychotherapy targets your relationships and interpersonal skills to improve how you relate to family, friends, colleagues, and others.

• Supportive psychotherapy tries to strengthen your ability to deal with stress and tough situations.

This scratches the surface of the therapy world. A Psychology Today web page on different types of therapy lists 68 varieties. It includes the big ones, such as those described above, as well as the lesser-known ones, such as eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy, bibliotherapy, gestalt therapy, and equine-assisted therapy.

Not Better or Worse, Just Different

You might wonder how there can be so many different kinds of successful therapy. I have an idea about that.

I think when it comes to therapy, the process — whether it involves eye movement, discussing novels, or the presence of horses — may be less important than the relationship the client forms with the therapist. For many therapy clients, the experience of spending time with someone who focuses exclusively on them (even if only for 50 minutes at a time) is powerful. And it encourages them to get a perspective on themselves, their underlying beliefs, and what stresses them. 

Some of the most at-peace times I have experienced have been walking out of my therapist's office. She has a way of allowing me to ask myself questions while guiding me toward finding my answers, which is a green light for much-needed empowerment to keep going and continue my efforts to be even better than I was before. Therapy has been a journey into myself, one I had been avoiding for many unhealthy reasons.

Find Your Therapist

On the Psychology Today page, you can link to a description and a brief discussion of each therapy. The descriptions are clear and concise. That makes the page a good place to start exploring the idea of therapy if you have no experience with it. There's even a function that will find therapists in your area. I have used this often and all you do is enter your zip code to get started!

Of course, as it stands, we are experiencing a mental health services shortage. It may not be as easy as a quick google search and phone call to book an appointment with the therapist of your dreams. With the barriers we still face to attain mental health care on top of the pandemic, human rights, civil rights, war, stigma, financial distress, and more, we are more likely to spend hours trying to find the care we need while keeping our minds and emotions balanced throughout. 

Finding the care you need may seem like a chore at first. But don't let that stop you from seeking the care you need and deserve. Sometimes you have to push, push, push to get through. It may not take one phone call; it may take three therapists before you are comfortable. That's ok, and it's all part of the process. During that time, you learn about yourself and do what is best for you, seeking the care you need to improve your quality of life. Sometimes we have to take one step at a time and congratulate ourselves for doing so.

Online Therapy

I cannot close out this blog without mentioning online therapy services. 

With so many barriers to traditional care, online therapy has opened up a whole new world for those looking to improve their mental health, find guidance, medication therapy, and more. Since I have a therapist, I have not yet tried a therapy app, so I cannot have an opinion. However, I have heard great things and if it works for you, do it. Period. A quick google search will pull up lists of mental health apps. If you have used these apps, please share with us in the comments how they worked for you!

As it happens, April isn't just Counseling Awareness Month. It's also Stress Awareness Month. I don't know if it was accidental or intentional that these two awareness observances fall in the same month. But it certainly is apt. So while you're thinking about the importance of counselors this month, consider engaging a therapist to help you handle the stressors in your life. Spending time with someone who is professionally nonjudgmental, accepting, and patient can often mean the difference between mental health and mental illness.

Content Warning: Self-harm, suicide. If you are in crisis, please call 911. 

I am often told by doctors, "oh, I've never seen this..." or "you are one of the few affected by...". I laugh because I prefer to be one of the few who win the lottery. Instead, I am one of the few who experience random medical issues. For most, the onset of self-harm begins at thirteen. Not me. I am one of the few who started self-harming as an adult.

I was a new mother of a beautiful little boy, working a full-time job with my own car, with a steady boyfriend, and a solid group of friends. However, shortly after my Bipolar Disorder diagnosis, it all began to crumble. 

I cannot tell you exactly when or why I began harming myself. But what I can tell you is I have worked hard through therapy to build the coping skills I needed to stop. But this journey is different for everyone. Today I share some of mine. 

March 1 is Self-Harm Awareness Day. I figure this is an excellent time to shed light on the shushed and highly stigmatized self-harm. Though about 17% of people self-harm at some point in their lives, the entire subject is avoided. For me, I did what I could to cover the scars on my arms, telling people, "I fell through glass," or a "cat attacked me." I didn't give much thought to my excuses as I couldn't believe people had the gall to ask me about them. "Why did you do that to yourself" was always my favorite. As if I didn't feel bad enough.

The self-harm community hasn't quite settled on a universal emblem of observance. Some people wear an orange ribbon; some wear a butterfly or a beaded bracelet on the wrist. How you choose to express your understanding matters less than the understanding itself. The self-harming population is probably the most misunderstood group of our whole misunderstanding society.

You need look no further than the CDC, whose web page on the subject lumps self-harm with suicide, as if they were just different expressions of the same urge. It may be true that people who self-harm are more likely than others to attempt suicide. But I don't think the urge to self-harm is always the same urge that prompts suicide attempts. And I don't think it's helpful to lump them together.

As you may know, my go-to resource for mental health is the National Alliance on Mental Health. The NAMI page on self-harm says that people who never learned to control strong emotions or who have learned to hide those emotions may feel a release in self-harm. There's also a mood elevation that results from the endorphins stimulated by an act of self-harm. But self-harmers are not all the same. Some have never really felt emotions and engage in self-harm to excite some kind of feeling

Self-Harm Awareness

Here's where we get into why self-harm awareness is so important. Those who engage in self-harm often feel ashamed. The shame becomes another strong emotion that they need to relieve. How do they relieve it? More self-harm. Like so many other mental health problems, it can slip into a vicious cycle of self-harm, shame, and more self-harm. The shame, of course, comes from the stigma. And it is the rest of us who are responsible for that stigma.

Which brings us to the first thing you can do to help someone who self-harms. Don't buy into the stigma. As NAMI says, "Self-harm is not a mental illness, but a behavior that indicates a need for better coping skills." People who lack skills in a particular area need training, not shame.

How to Help

How else can you help? First, according to NAMI, you need to be accepting. Listen, and take what the self-harmer says seriously, no matter how difficult it is for you to understand. Be there for the person. Above all, "Don't dismiss emotions or try to turn them into a joke." Don't say, "I get frustrated too, and I don't do that!"

Try to guide the person toward professional help. Unfortunately, self-harm is not uncommon, and several therapies can help a person acquire the coping skills needed to break out of the cycle. NAMI has a page on getting help, which is an excellent place to find a therapist.

On a personal note

It took me a long time to forgive myself for my father having to rush to the hospital with over one hundred self-inflicted wounds on my thighs and arms. They were superficial, but together it was a scary sight. Another time a friend brought me to the emergency room after I cut my arms deep enough, requiring staples. Self-harm isn't a joke. Nor should it be ignored. Those who self-harm are trying to communicate something. We may not realize why we are doing any of it, never mind knowing how to stop. So, we must get the help we need. 

Resources for Self-Harm

Requesting a self-harmer promise to "just stop" is equivalent to telling an alcoholic the same. It takes more than willpower to stop, so forcing such a promise means possibly setting the person up for failure, regret, shame, and ultimately more self-harm. 

There are great resources to help those who self-harm and those who care about them. An excellent place to start is the NAMI page on self-harm. There is also an organization called Self-Injury Outreach and Support, a nonprofit initiative between the University of Guelph and McGill University. Their page includes information guides, stories, advice, and research. Finally, a website called The Mighty sponsors a community of therapists and patients for conversation and support. Their self-harm resources page has a wealth of links to organizations. 

How is your self-esteem these days? As it happens, February is International Boost Self-Esteem Month. Take it seriously. Self-esteem doesn’t happen naturally or easily. You need to put some effort into it. Consider this month an opportunity to get started.

If you search the web for techniques to boost self-esteem, you’ll end up reading a lot about psychology, like this article at Psychology Today. It suggests being mindful, controlling your narrative, understanding yourself, and so on. It’s a good and useful article, and I recommend you have a look at it. But I personally believe you can do a lot for your self-esteem without having to get too introspective. I believe there are four daily habits you can easily adopt that will contribute to your self-esteem.

1. Avoid Fake News

The primary source of fake news is in your own head. There’s a voice that says things like “You’re no good at math” or “You’re fat” or “You never work hard enough.” But that voice isn’t stating a fact. It’s only stating an opinion. You might have got this opinion from your mother, a particularly troubled school teacher, or a “friend” in Girl Scouts. Know that you no longer have to answer to that person; maybe you never did. In any case, it’s fake news, and you don’t have to believe it. You shouldn’t believe it. Get into the habit of ignoring that voice.

2. Forgive

When someone wrongs you, you face a choice. Are you going to hold a grudge, or are you going to forgive? You may already know that I come down on the side of forgiveness because in the long run, it creates health and happiness. But there’s a particular type of forgiveness that’s especially powerful: self-forgiveness. Don’t be quick to criticize your own failings or mistakes. Think about them without self-loathing and without self-justification. Put them in perspective. Above all, remember you are more than the worst thing you’ve ever done. Face your errors, own them, and forgive them. It helps to do it out loud. Yes, you have human failings. But you also have the best of human qualities. You are worth forgiveness.

3. Exercise

Work out, or at least exercise, every day. There is nothing that boosts self-esteem faster than increasing your VO2 Max. VO2 Max is the measure of how much oxygen is delivered to your muscles when you exercise. The more oxygen your muscles process, the better they perform. And you don’t need to measure your VO2 Max to get the benefit. Believe me, improving your fitness makes you feel better in yourself, and it makes you feel better about yourself.

4. Help Others

A growing body of research shows that helping others in need doesn’t just make you feel good, it actually lowers your stress. Those, however, are extra benefits. I include helping others as one of my four habits because doing it reinforces your self-worth. It makes you feel needed and virtuous. And opportunities to help are abundant. You can probably name at least a half dozen people right now who need some kind of help: a disabled neighbor, a housebound senior, a friend in trouble. And if you can’t name such a person, there are myriad helping opportunities in your community — at your church, a local food pantry, the public library, or an amazing variety of clubs and charitable organizations. Volunteering with such an organization makes you a part of something bigger than yourself and it can make you feel like you make a difference.

It’s International Boost Self-Esteem Month. Don’t just be a better person. Feel like one.

TRIGGER WARNING // sexual assault

We Are Not What Happens to Us 

"The difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you do."- Bill Phillips.

Growing up, I was always a tomboy, which led me to play outdoors in neighborhood sports versus inside with dolls like most girls. I would also play sports with the boys at school, which was how I stumbled upon soccer. I joined recess games and fell in love with the sport. I told my parents that I wanted to play, and before long, I became a part of the soccer team. Little did I know my love for sports was what would save me from myself later in life.

My favorite position was forward because I lit up with excitement at the chance of scoring and winning. Even with asthma, I had endurance, but my endurance wasn't enough to keep me in the forward position. My coach put me mid-field, which I didn't care for, but it prepared me for a lesson I wasn't expecting. 

In 7th grade, I decided to try cross country. At tryouts, we were to run a mile which I did. Soccer had helped increase my endurance, and I made the team. Unfortunately, I wasn't the fastest, but I did fall in love with running and the challenge of pushing myself. I learned what I had to do to achieve the goals set out for us in training sessions and meets.

At 15, my would all change, and it would take my love of sports to help bring it all into balance.

It was April 8th, after my sister married and moved out of our family apartment. I had finished practice and was walking home with a friend. When we were about to separate, she suggested we go to her place to hang out. I knew I would have my apartment to myself, and to an introvert having some alone time for the first time in years sounded great. So we parted ways, and I walked home alone.

I didn't see him jump out at me until it was too late. When I did, I realized he was pointing a gun at me. I was in shock. But I knew I had to do everything he wanted. I only thought was "this was it" and "this is how I die." He ran away, leaving me to pick up my pieces.

I made it home and immediately called my parents. I couldn't reach my mom, but my Dad answered. When my father arrived, he called the police. And this was the day when my struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD began.

A male doctor did a rape kit as they had no females available. I made a statement to the police and met with a sketch artist. Once the procedures were through, my parents tried to get me into counseling, but I shut down and wouldn't talk to anyone. Once the drawing by the sketch artist was out, the adults posted it on every window at my school. So I had to see it every day, staring at me.

I stopped talking to friends and doing anything that I enjoyed. All I did was sleep. I did what most survivors do, and I blamed myself. I felt I must have deserved this or asked for it somehow. Maybe I was only meant to be garbage and trash to be used and thrown out as that is what happened, right? I grew such a hatred for myself, and I began to respond to that hatred with self-harm behavior.

Medications weren't helping me, and I wasn't ready to talk, so it left me to go back to the things I loved. I to find myself in them again.

I found myself picking up running and getting out there to be active again. In 2009 I ran my first marathon! I felt such joy, and I hadn't felt that emotion in a long time. I felt unstoppable, unbreakable. And if I felt that great after a marathon imagine the feeling of doing an Ironman.

What is an Ironman? It's a 140.6-mile triathlon (2.6 miles of swimming, 112 miles of biking, and 26.2 miles of running, yes, all in one day). In 2014 decided to train for and attempt my first Ironman. Unfortunately, I failed, and it crushed me overloading me with those feelings of unworthiness once again.

But, if there is one thing I have plenty of, it is perseverance. I have learned this from myself time and time again. So, that's what I did. I tried again in 2017. This time after months of relentless training, I crossed the finish line of Ironman Arizona. I didn't cross alone; I crossed that finish line supported by my incredible coach, teammates, family, and friends. It was the best day of my life.

As an effective way to keep my mental health balanced, I train and push myself to accomplish things I never thought possible. But, just like when my coach put me in mid-field, I had to do what was uncomfortable to reach my potential and be led to other things that made me happy. And though I still have the instinct to prove I am not trash.

I find myself attempting to do great things because I know I can, and it's a reminder that yes, I am worthy. I am not perfect in my journey but setting goals and pushing through the toughest of days has been what has saved my self-worth and my lifetime and time again. What I learned training for Ironman had been the very thing to help me in a breakdown. When I wanted to quit in the Ironman, I told myself that this feeling wouldn't last and keep going. That has been a game-changer.

I try to be open but my struggles with mental health and my journey because I know others have been through something similar, and I know how lonely it feels. I use my training to keep myself positive and keep my mind busy getting to my goal so that it doesn't keep me stuck in a downward spiral that ends in destruction. That it feels like it will never get better. Training for events has taught me to show up every day in my struggle. No matter what to get dressed and keep moving forward. It has taught me that my struggles are temporary, and I am much stronger than I sometimes am willing to accept.

Sometimes in life, we are put in positions we don't care for, similar to my coach putting me in the center, not forward as I had hoped. But we don't need to sit back and fall short of our potential just because someone else has decided for us or ourselves trying to convince us we are no good.

That is why, for me, training and being active isn't about just being healthy. It's about surviving and fighting for the life I deserve when all the odds stack up against me. So, please, take one more step when it feels like you can't go any further, like you have reached your limit. Soon, you won't be taking one step at a time; at some point, you find yourself simply moving forward, and for me, forging ahead is the only way to go!

If you or someone you know has been a victim of sexual assault please reach out for support:

National Sexual Assault Hotline, accessible 24/7 by phone (800.656.HOPE) and online (online.rainn.org).

Share your story, become a Doublesolid Rockstar! Click HERE

If you are in a mental health emergency, please call 911. For crisis resources click here.

It’s the time of year for New Year’s resolutions. My dictionary defines resolution as “a firm decision to do or not to do something.” Last year (2021) was a banner year for resolutions. Nearly three quarters (74%) of the population said they were going to make them. The top six categories for 2021 resolutions were money, health, career, self-improvement, family, and love.

More Failure than Success

I don’t know how the 2021 resolutions came out overall, but history suggests that many of these “firm decisions” are really kind of soft. Traditionally, 71% of those who make resolutions keep them for two weeks. But after six months, it’s down to 46%. A success rate of 46% by definition implies a failure rate of 54%. In other words, if you’re making New Year’s resolutions, the chances are better than even you’re setting yourself up for failure. I think the practice of making New Year’s resolutions is unhealthy. Why create even one new reason to feel bad about yourself? 

Why do resolutions so often fail? A resolution, as “a firm decision to do or not to do something,” is a classic case of trying to have your cake and eat it, too. You want to make a change in your life, but not really. You want to be the same person you’ve come to know and love, just without smoking. Or you want to be the same person but just a little lighter on the bathroom scale. Or the same person with a better credit score.

First, Self-Awareness

Maybe life doesn’t work that way. If you want to be a better person, you need to be a new person, not the same person with minor changes. That’s why I say it’s better to make a revolution than a resolution.

How do you become a better person? Step one is to understand what you’re dealing with: practice self-awareness. In fact, just knowing yourself can make you a better person even before you start your revolution. There is research that shows people who see themselves clearly are more confident and more creative than those who don’t. They also make better decisions, enjoy stronger relationships, and communicate more effectively.

Second, map out the better person you wish to be.

Any revolutionary can tell you that a revolution has a lot of moving parts. You need a pretty big plan. It might even be a good idea to write it all down: areas to work on, timetables, and goals. Goals are critical to the process. Every goal you complete is an achievement that helps to push you on to the next one.

The conventional advice on goals is to make them SMART: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-Bound. It’s not bad advice, because every part of that acronym is directed toward helping you achieve, and achieving your goals is what will keep you on course and inspire you to keep going. Don’t hesitate to make your first set of goals interim goals: achievable things that challenge you even if they don’t get you all the way to the better person of your vision. 

 The desire to start a new year as a better person is a powerful one, which is why the practice of making New Year’s resolutions dates back thousands of years. Just don’t nibble around the edges of the better person you want to be. Draw up a revolutionary plan and go for it.

Step Three, obviously GO GET IT!

Go get it, seriously. Though random good things happen throughout life, what you're looking for tends not to show up at your doorstep. You have to put some effort into what you want. And if a self-revolution is what you seek, your best to get to know who you are before you begin!

Cover art by Chad Wheeler, tattooist and resident artist @singleneedle

You’re entitled to some of that joy. These are my four rules for making sure you get it.

1. Manage Your Expectations

No holiday celebration is perfect, and expecting perfection is a short-cut to making yourself into a Santa-zilla. An overdone pie or a badly shaped Christmas tree is not the end of the world. In fact, with patience and resilience, you can view a holiday disaster as a resource for future holidays. “Remember the year of the flaming apple pie?” Sometimes mishaps even create new traditions: “We always wear ugly sweaters and galoshes at Christmas.”

2. Take Opportunities to Give of Yourself

Take a small part of the holiday season and use it to help others. Help hand out toys for the Salvation Army, distribute groceries at your local food bank, collect socks for an organization that cares for the homeless. There are many opportunities to help others, and I guarantee that taking advantage of one or more will double your holiday joy.

3. Don’t Let the Marketers Get You Down

During the limited window of the holidays, advertising professionals make it their goal to get you to max out your credit cards. They do this with beautifully crafted ads and commercials that appeal to some of your deepest emotions. When you see these ads, remember there’s a fine line that separates a joyous holiday for you and a joyous holiday for the ad agency that’s trying to manipulate you. Is that gift going to bring real joy to the recipient, or is it just going to deplete your savings and (momentarily) allay ad-driven guilt?

4. Take Care of Yourself

Make sure you’re getting enough sleep and the right nutrition. Take your probiotics. And budget your energy expenditure. There can be strong pressure during the holidays to be everything for everybody. But your energy is not unlimited. Sometimes the tasks before you can seem overwhelming. But believe me, if you give in to panic, your tasks will only become more overwhelming. So when things look like they are beginning to pile up, stop and spend a little energy on yourself. Ask yourself if you can say "no" to something and remove it from your plate entirely. What can you ask someone to help you with? Often the simple act of asking for help can give us a stronger sense of control. Nature always wins so go for a walk in the woods or read a book or listen to music. Spending 15 minutes on yourself can revive and energize you and put all your tasks in perspective.

If you read lifestyle magazines and general-interest websites, you will notice that at this time of year, virtually all of them feature stories on holiday stress. That makes it look like you can’t escape holiday stress. I say you can escape. Avoid the holiday stress stories and see to your own needs. 

For this year, I wish you the best in mental health and the most joyous holidays ever. Make my wish come true. Take possession of your holiday joy.

Cover art by Chad Wheeler, tattooist and resident artist @singleneedle

Balance might not mean to you as much as it means to me, but it is nevertheless a major part of your mental health. According to a blog post by Luna Greenstein at the NAMI website, “maintaining balance throughout our lives is a cornerstone of overall well-being. Balance prevents stress, and we all know stress causes adverse health effects and leads to 75-90% of all physician visits.”

Balance requires vigilance. You need to watch your thoughts and feelings and know when they are drifting out of bounds. And then you need to bring them back. I know it sounds like a tautology, but the best way to achieve balance is to live in a balanced way. I have learned four general rules that help me to balance my life, and I want to share them as tips in case they might be useful to you. 

1. Take Care of Yourself

We all know the basics of taking care of your body: eat well, exercise, relax when you need to, and get enough sleep. Protecting your health is not the only way to take care of yourself. Here’s a self-care tool that is often overlooked: the word “no.” You should deploy it when someone asks you to do something that will take time away from your own priorities. You don’t have to be rude. In fact, here’s a web page full of techniques for saying “no” with compassion and grace.

2. Unplug from Social Media

Social media thrives on engagement, and the most reliable way to engage you is to enrage you. This isn’t just anecdote. Research has shown for some time that people tend to be radicalized when they are in like-minded groups. Social media intensifies this tendency partly because it makes like-minded groups so much larger. Needless to say, radicalized people are not balanced people. Being out of balance is pretty much the whole point of being radical. So use social media sparingly and carefully, and don’t use it as your primary news source.

3. Help Others

Helping others can give you meaning and purpose. It enriches your life. And there are so many opportunities to help. Places of worship, schools, and charitable organizations all make use of volunteer help. Putting in a couple hours a week at a local food bank can be enormously satisfying. Working as a volunteer at a race can be as exciting as running in one. Mapping a habitat or doing a bird count for a conservation group can put you on the frontline of the battle to save endangered species.

4. Get Help When You Need It

Leading a balanced life takes effort, and sometimes it needs more effort than you have to give on your own. If you think your thoughts or feelings are straying from your Doublesolid path, ask for help. Counseling by a licensed mental health professional really works. Here’s a page at WebMD that gives a good rundown of the kinds of counselors there are, as well as some advice on how to find and use one.

Balance isn’t just a noun. It’s a verb, too. The dictionary that came with my computer defines it as “keep or put (something) in a steady position so that it does not fall.” If you understand that you are the something in this definition, it’s an excellent comment on the importance of balance. And I am a testament to the value of balance. Without working as hard as I do to attain balance, I wouldn't be here to share this with you today.

Take note on your moods throughout the day. Note how balanced your do or don't feel. What is affecting the ebb and flow? What can you do to balance out a bit more? 

Start paying attention and you will learn more about who you are. As you do, you will learn how to better support yourself, keeping that balance and staying in the middle of the road, you know, like DOUBLESOLID! 

Cover art by Chad Wheeler, tattooist and resident artist @singleneedle

by Allyssa Bedard, LMT and Owner of Body Solace in Krems an der Donau NH

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is something that I have worked on managing personally since my teen years.  In doing so, I gained the ability to have empathy, compassion, and a strong desire to help others who suffer from symptoms of PTSD.   

But the healing journey was nowhere near how easy I had imagined and wanted it to be. In January of 2018, I attended a workshop with focus on PTSD. I honestly thought it was going to provide me with relaxation techniques to help manage my symptoms of PTSD.   

Boy, was I mistaken!  It was a great informative workshop, and it opened my eyes to how little progress I was making with the traditional therapy route that I had been doing what seemed like my whole life which led me on a very important journey. 

I tried many things to alleviate my symptoms and to learn what PTSD really meant for me and the life I wanted to live. It wasn’t easy. There were some definite lows over the course of my healing and recovery.  A few times I wanted to quit.  The biggest challenge I faced was taking ownership of it all.  I had to come to terms with the fact we can only control we have is over our own thoughts and behaviors. We can’t do anything to change someone else’s behavior no matter how much we complain or focus on it.

I am not saying this is an easy transition.  But I have found what works for me and part of that is providing support through massage therapy for my clients to help them through their mental health recovery. As far as me, I think I will be forever working on it; and that’s ok. To embark on a practice like this, you really have to be ready to change and understand that you do not have to be a victim of circumstance.  You also must understand there is no quick fix, no easy way through, but if you seek support, you will find it. In fact, you can find it in massage therapy. One of my biggest achievements in life is through my own pain and recovery finding a way I could utilize my skills to help folks face similar challenges. 

Craniosacral Therapy and Lymph Drainage therapies both help the "rest and digest" part of your nervous system.  This provides your body and your mind a chance to slow down, to breathe, to remember the different between begging relaxed and being in a constant fight or flight mode. Sometimes we must be reminded of what we could feel like to find the correct path to feeling better.   

I am grateful for the chance to combine my passion and skills to help you achieve body awareness and relaxation through manual therapy and movement. I take my word seriously and with personal experience I know how important it is to build a support system and there is nothing more gratifying to me than hearing one of my clients tell me how much the symptoms have dissipated and how their quality of life drastically improved.  

If you are interested in booking an appointment or learning more about the services offered at Body Solace, reach visit their website. 

Contact Info:

Body Solace is located at 32 Daniel Webster Highway, Suite 16, Krems an der Donau NH, 3500,(+43)5610945592

If you have any questions, you can email [email protected] or call (978) 577-5905 and they will get back to you as soon as possible. 

If you are in a mental health emergency, please call 911. For mental health resources click here.

Join the Doublesolid Road Crew! Click HERE!

If you are in a mental health emergency, please call 911. For mental health resources click here.

How to Own an Eating Disorder

Was that race Wellington’s greatest ordeal? Maybe not. Before she even took up triathlon, she overcame anorexia and bulimia. She discusses the eating disorders openly in her memoir, A Life Without Limits (2012). And that makes her even more of an inspiration to me. It is possible to tell your mental health story without shame. Doublesolid's main mission is to empower everyone to talk about mental health. I believe through my own experience doing so helps others to understand what you’ve been through, but helps you to understand it as well. This truth is particularly applicable to eating disorders, in which self-deception plays a major role. Discussing it openly and honestly takes away some of its power and helps everyone connect on a much deeper level; really opening the doors to recovery.

In a brief video interview on the subject, Wellington pointed out that she developed disordered eating in the mistaken belief that she was exercising control over her body. But she ultimately came to realize that the illness, not she, was in control. It was only when she discovered that she needed to carefully fuel her body for training that she began to resume control of her eating behavior.

A Rockstar’s Story

Wellington’s story is similar to that of one our Doublesolid Rockstars — Ashley. I believe the similarity is due to their both being triathletes. Every eating disorder is highly individual, as is the treatment to overcome it. Ashley makes the same point in her Rockstar story. But while every case is unique and treatment can vary significantly from individual to individual, the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) says unequivocally that compete recovery is possible.

Ashley and Christie Wellington are of the same gender, and they told their stories from similar ages and vocations. But don’t take that to mean you are exempt from eating disorders by being male or avoiding triathlon. According to the NIMH, “Eating disorders can affect people of all ages, racial/ethnic backgrounds, body weights, and genders. Although eating disorders often appear during the teen years or young adulthood, they may also develop during childhood or later in life (40 years and older).” A 2007 study of more than 9,000 people led researchers to project that in the US, 20 million females and 10 million males have a “clinically significant” eating disorder at some time in their lives.

An Illness, Not a Choice

And don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you or a loved one can just “snap out of it.” With mental health challenges there is no snapping out of anything. Mental health challenges, including eating disorders, are not choices we make.

Researchers have so far been unable to come up with a complete explanation for eating disorders, but they have discovered the risk factors. Every eating disorder emerges from a complicated mix of genetic, biological, behavioral, psychological, and social factors.

If you suspect you have an eating disorder, you may be able to get a better idea using a simple screening tool provided by the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA). And if you suspect you or your loved one needs treatment, the NEDA provides a wealth of information that can get you started to find it. You don’t have to live with an eating disorder. With help and support, you — like Ashley, like Chrissie Wellington — can take your life back.

Share your story, become a Doublesolid Rockstar! Click HERE!

If you are in a mental health emergency, please call 911. For mental health resources click here.

If you are in a mental health emergency, please call 911. For mental health resources click here.

Photo: "Chrissie Wellington" by Mariano Kamp is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 . This photo was taken at the European Ironman Championship in 2008, one year after she turned professional.

Music Makes Time Stand Still

There is an old saying; “Music soothes the savage beast”. I would agree with that statement, however, not only because it sounds good to the ear. Soothing the savage beast takes a lot more than a cool song on the radio. Music is much more than just the sounds it makes. And the savage beasts, well, we are just as complicated as Beethoven’s symphonies or Eddie Van Halen’s “Spanish Fly” solo.

 
I have been a musician since I was thirteen years old. In that time, I have seen both in myself and in others, how music can affect someone at a very deep level. Music can take you back to the first time you heard the song; what events were happening your life, the way you felt, the smell of the air. Often, we can hear one note of a song and with lightning speed we visit that moment; where we were and how that song made us feel.  Music can literally make time stand still.
 
My family moved to Italy when I was five years old and for the two years we lived there, I didn’t have a lot of friends. Most of the kids I went to school with lived on the Air Force base and we lived off base. When I wasn’t hanging around with them, which wasn’t often, I was on my own and had to entertain myself. This is where I met music.
 
I’d always been a music fan but in Italy music was my companion. I would sit for hours and listen to the radio. Sometimes I’d listen to my dad’s stereo, and it would make me feel things, remember things and time would stand still. I’d find myself getting lost in the lyrics allowing the music to speak to me in a way very little else did. Though I didn’t see my peers often outside of school, I was never alone. I had music.
 
Years later, when we moved to Austria I was too afraid to go out and meet other kids in the neighborhood. I stayed n the house for most of the summer. Music again was my companion, and I would listen to it for hours for hours and hours. I didn’t feel alone. I had my friend, my companion, Music. My best friend was right there with me. Spending those hours listening to music planted a seed that has continued to grow throughout my entire life.
 
Picking up a guitar for the first time was a feeling I will never forget. I couldn’t play anything but there was a definite feeling of joy whenever I’d pick up my guitar. I didn’t know anything about expressing emotion through music. I knew there were songs that resonated with me on a very deep level, but I hadn’t yet made the connection that I could do that same thing with music.
 
I started writing music of my own which sparked that same joy I experienced when picking up my guitar or listening to the radio for hours. The music I was writing was sparking that same feeling. I followed that feeling, I chased it through my music, but it wasn’t until years later at a show that my band was playing that I saw how much of an impact music can have on others. Music wasn’t only my best friend; others were just as moved.
 
My band was playing at a club. When we got started people were hanging out by the bar and in the back by the pool tables not paying us much attention. That was normal. However, by the second chorus into our first song, those eyes were on us. They were paying attention!
 
Something in the song we wrote struck a chord with them; pardon the pun (or not). I witnessed our song stopping time for a group of people who just moments ago didn’t know we existed. Our music caught their attention and they were feeling it! It was one of the coolest feelings to be on the other side of the music watching just how it can grab hold of you and take you to another place, change your mood, and even connect us to one another.
 
Have you thought about how music stops time for you? What song brings a smile to your face even on the worst day? What song speaks to you on a level where time stands still for you every time you hear it? Are you like me and hit the back button to listen to the same song a million times when driving alone? What song makes time stand still for you?
 
The beauty of music is that it allows the writer to express things that they may not be able to put into words. Now of course there are songs that are rooted in pain and heartbreak. Can you imagine what the writer was going through when they wrote it? Can you relate?
I know there are a lot of songs like that for me, most definitely.
 
I can say from my own experience that writing a song when feeling down or frustrated helped me to feel better. I got those feelings out and even if nobody else liked the song, it was freeing to be able to release my feelings into the world on my own terms.
 
Being a guitar teacher, I get to see that same thing in some of my students. One of my students is a busy lawyer with a stressful job. He has said many times over the years that he looks forward to his lessons as he can forget all about his job and the stress that comes with. He can make time stand still so he can take a breather, with music.
 
Other students although not all lawyers have expressed the same feeling about their lessons. Being able to focus on something and put the outside world on hold for a little while is what so many of us need. My students get to watch themselves learn then make their own music. Whether they write music of their own or play music they love, it gives them such a sense of satisfaction and it is my biggest reward as a teacher.
 
Whether listening to, writing, or performing music it always helps us all to feel a bit more free; free to sing at the top of our lungs, play air drums, and even change our mood. Therefore, music is extremely important for our mental health! Music can lift you, fulfill you, comfort you and even turn the day around with just a couple beats. Learning music can challenge you and push the limits you think you have. Playing music can fulfill your need to express yourself in ways you can understand. Music soothes the soul and eases the mind. 
 
How amazing it is to think that someone right now may be writing a song that may affect and change the lives of someone they will never meet. Take a moment and think about the music that has influenced you personally. Does it make you want to dance around your house, sing at the top of you lings, have a good cry, or reflect on fond memories? We all have a soundtrack to our lives, what’s on yours?
 
I am a guitar teacher and I’m proud to support folks and help them feel the power writing and playing and music can have on their life. Maybe you want to give lessons a try. Maybe you want to learn to play so you, too can express your feelings and emotions words never seem to capture. Maybe you are looking to stop time a bit with your own music. If you are, I’ll be here ready to guide you on your journey. But whether you take lessons or not, pay attention to what you’re listening to. How does is make you feel? Where does the music take you? What song makes time stand still for you?
 
Byron Marks

Byron Marks is a professional musician and guitar teacher in Manchester, NH. If you want to learn how to play guitar and play music you love, contact Manchester NH Guitar Lessons 603-336-3480 today!

Lessons
Instagram @manchesterguitarlessons
Facebook @manchestermusicmill

If you are in a mental health emergency, please call 911. For mental health resources click here.

Join the Doublesolid Road Crew! Click HERE!

If you are in a mental health emergency, please call 911. For mental health resources click here.

Many of us pour ourselves into what we are passionate about and over time it becomes a large portion of who we are.

Our identity is shaped by what we do whether it be as a parent, in our profession, our recreational interests, or for some of us, our competitive activities.
 
As we use our talents and skills to better the world around us while making the most of the life we live, we find fulfillment.  When we are fulfilled, we are content. When we are content, we are free to learn. When we are free to learn we are also free to challenge ourselves, try new things and to grow.
 
So, what happens to your mental health when your identity changes? What happens when those changes are physical whether it be permanently or temporarily keeping us from pouring ourselves into what we’re passionate about?
 
This is a major focus of my practice of Physical Therapy. Patients enter my doors in pain. These patients, understandably want their pain gone. But the piece many have yet to realize is they aren’t just suffering through a physical injury or condition. They are also somewhere in the different stages of grief.
 
A patient’s overall mental health plays an integral role in how they cope with and progress through healing and recovery. The seven stages of grief are not only applied to a loss of a person and as a practitioner in Physical therapy I not only see this and know this, I also empathize.
 
Let’s take me for example. To name a few of my roles, I am a mom, I am a wife, and I am a Physical Therapist. A few years ago, I tore my ACL (the anterior cruciate ligament-one of the key ligaments that help stabilize your knee joint.). Of course, tearing your ACL is not the end of the world in today’s medicine. We know it can be fixed with surgery and a patient is very likely to return to their previous activities. However, that all comes in time and the outcome is not the same for everyone.
 
In my case, during my injury and recovery I couldn’t take my daughter skiing (something we had been looking forward to all year) or even simply run around the yard with her. I couldn’t demonstrate higher level exercises for my patients to care for their needs because my physical condition wouldn’t allow the motion and stability to instruct. I couldn’t do my share of the work around the house which left my husband having to pick up the slack.
 
Basically, I lost who I was. I lost my identity.
 
Yes, I knew the problem could be repaired I am happy to report I am back to all those things, but I had to be patient with myself and cope with the loss. I had to navigate through the stages of grief as it fit into my situation.
 
As a practitioner I knew I would have to cope with not only the physical aspect of my injury, but the mental and emotional aspects as well.  Not everyone realizes this and as a patient and therapist, I do all I can to help my patients through all of it; as a whole.
 
For some, the idea of losing something they love whether it be playing with their kids in the backyard, going for morning walks, or running a marathon, can play a heavy toll on their mental health. Patients have told me they feel they aren’t themselves anymore. They express the concern of “never being who (they) were” before the injury and sometimes believe nothing will ever bring them that same passion again.
 
This is dangerous thinking as the realization for many creates a spiral of ruminating, magnifying, catastrophizing, and can lead down the path to poor mental health and lifelong chronic pain.
 
Whether we all know it or not, the fact is pain and mental health are very closely linked and must be addressed concurrently. Whether the pain came first to cause the mental health deterioration or the mental health issues came first to cause the pain is irrelevant. The old chicken or egg dilemma of pain doesn’t answer the question of how to treat our patients as a whole being, not just the injury. Not just the mental health struggle. Not just the emotional distress.
 
Unfortunately, in modern medicine finding help usually involves many providers in different offices across different locations as there is no one stop that can provide relief. However, there is good news. Finding a Physical Therapist to help manage your chronic pain and one who will work with your mental health provider is the key. Build your team, speak up to get the care you need, find providers the meet your own personal needs. Ask your questions, advocate for yourself, and remember your injury whether it be a torn ACL or an anxiety attack are about you; all of you.
 
You may not be who you were before but that doesn’t mean you can reinvent your identity and still have enjoyment and a life worth living! My passion is to educate every patient that walks through my doors, so they are better equipped to build their own coping skills and learn to love the lives they have now. Most importantly, of course, I feel it is my responsibility to empower my patients to take care of their bodies to support their mental health because they are in charge, and they are more than a temporary or permanent physical injury.

Feel free to reach out to me and my team. We are more than happy to answer any questions you may have.

Meryl Sullivan, DPT, Cert. VRS, Cert DN Owner
380 Daniel Webster Highway Suite H
Krems an der Donau, 3500,(+43)5610945592

P:  603.262.3305

Finding Power in Forgiveness

I sat down to write this, to share my story and the first question that came into my head was “Who am I”. I chuckled feeling like Brian in the Breakfast Club after Bender assigned the infamous essay in 1985. He directed them to write an essay on “who you think you are”.
 
Sure, that made me chuckle, but honestly, I felt a bit overwhelmed.
 
I have been through hell. How in the world can I put all of that into words?
 
So, I just started writing. What I came up with was more poetry than essay. I would like to share that with you today, but first, a bit of a backstory.
 
I was an extremely responsible kid growing up. I took school seriously. I had close friends. I had a savings account. Heading into adulthood I had the same job I started when I was just fourteen years old where I went from cashier to Store Manager. I married, divorced, then married my soulmate. Or so I thought.
 
Together my husband and I returned from our amazing wedding in Bermuda and started our lives together. We bought a home and looked forward to starting a family. But it was tough at first. I couldn’t get pregnant and if you have experienced this and gone through IVF; you know what an emotional toll that can take on a person and on a couple. But we were blessed, and I gave birth to our first daughter. A beautiful baby and an even more beautiful young lady now, she brought such joy into our lives. Our second baby came shortly after without the need for IVF and we were…ecstatic. I never thought anyone could be as beautiful as our daughter, but here was our second child and she just added to the beauty and love we had in our home and in our family. We had our jobs, our home, and now, most importantly, our family.
 
Until the day he walked out.
 
When our second baby was still in infancy, I learned of my husband’s affair through his devolving behavior and not-so-secret-anymore-text messages. Days later, my “soulmate” left me for a much older woman who had been flirting with him at work. And not just any woman. A woman who wanted to take my place in my life as I would find out much later.
 
I was alone. With two babies, a job, and a house to take care of. I had a supportive family and good friends to help me, but if you’ve been in a similar position, you know how that horrible feeling of loneliness settles in, grabs you by the throat and just won’t let you go.
 
I couldn’t breathe. My life was torn apart. And that was only the beginning.
 
Somehow, my now ex-husband began to find ways to shift the blame from his cheating, his dishonestly and his infidelity on me. But back then, I didn’t understand narcissism as I do now.
 
It is unfortunate yet it did comfort me a bit when over the years I learned many women experience similar situations. They are living their lives, going to work, planning family dinners, going for family walks in the park, and cuddling up with their partner to watch a movie on the couch….and suddenly, the husband walks out or does something terribly harmful to the family.
 
As if it wasn’t bad enough, some of them don’t stop there. To attempt not looking like the failure, abuser, and duplicitous manipulator, they try to find ways to turn it around on you. And in the weakened state they leave us in, we’re left to ruminate about what we could have done differently to save our marriage.
 
When you’re being gaslighted, you are made to feel you are the crazy one. You are made to feel it is your fault other people are making bad decisions. You are purposely made to feel you are the problem. When in all reality, the person who made the problems is the person blaming you so they can, I don’t know, live a life without a conscience, I guess.
 
But it never was our fault at all. Sure, every marriage is a partnership which means it takes two, but when one doesn’t want to work as two a marriage (or any relationship) cannot survive.
 
I didn’t know he didn’t want to be a part of our lives. All I knew is the day he left our family photo was still hanging over the mantle; our smiling hopeful faces with our beautiful babies all holding one another, together.
 
Though I couldn’t put a label on the behavior, I can now. And now, I see it everywhere. Now that my eyes have been opened to it, and though it is quite sneaky, I can recognize it.
 
But at that time, all I knew is I was left alone, confused, and broken. Only to later deal with constant emotional torture which turned into self-destructive behaviors and abandonment issues.
 
I almost lost everything, including myself at the hands of another just because he didn’t want me in his life anymore. And the more he tried to get me out, the tougher it got. The tougher it got, the worse I felt. He, and his new wife, were winning.
 
And though their behavior may have pushed me so far to have lost myself for a moment in time, I knew my daughters needed me. I knew no matter what my ex-husband and his deceitful partner did, I would find a way to work myself out of it; because though our two daughters may not have the life I had designed and planned for them, they need their mother and as much as my ex-husband and his new family try, they can never change the fact that I am their mother.
 
But there was damage to repair.  I lost my job. I lost or severely damaged relationships. I almost completely lost myself.

Yet, I climbed my way out. I left the self-destructive world and tossed the continued (attempted) abuse by these two people where it belongs. Behind me.
 
I clawed, kicked, screamed, and fought with all I had to regain my strength and build the beautiful life I have now. But I had work to do.
 
I had to ask for forgiveness from those I hurt along my spiral downward. But, most importantly I had to forgive myself. Forgiveness is a much better path for me to walk along and it has absolutely contributed to my success of becoming a different person than I was that day when he walked out. I'm a different person than the one sitting, bawling, on that red couch, with my infant daughter in my lap and my oldest in her playpen. A different person than the one who did all she could to fight the demons that grew and grew with every trick my ex-husband and his wife tried to play to make themselves feel better for tearing apart our family and putting my children through an unnecessary hell.
 
Though I may not be ready to say I forgive them for doing what they have done, I am proud to know I am a much different person than I was years ago. I wish this had never happened to me and my daughters, of course, but I am at a place now where I know these challenges, these terrible acts of another, tore me down but also gave me the chance to be who I am today.
 
So, when I sat down to write this, with the Breakfast Club in mind, I came up with this.
 
Who am I? (And who I am not)
 
My name is Nicole.    
 
Today I am powerful and fully connected to my surroundings. 
 
Today I am proud, I am worthy, and I love who I have evolved to be.
 
Today I am thankful for each undeniably difficult journey that caused intense pain, loss, emotional torture, abandonment, illness, and defeat.
 
Today I accept each challenge as a blessing that has brought me to understanding my grand purpose. 
 
Today I have surpassed the devastation of living in pain and the harsh reality of writing a story that surrounded broken dreams, shattered memories, regret, loneliness, and loss of the perfect reality I thought I was living. 
 
Today I am astounded by my strength and determination to forgive, release blame, and save my soul from the dark tunnel it lived in far too long.  
 
Today I am not defined as a broken and lost woman with two babies abandoned by her spouse eleven years ago. I am not defined as a mother in court fighting an abusive narcissist co-parent or a woman that allowed defeat and despair take the wheel. I am not defined by depression and anxiety. I am not defined by the loss of my career. I am not defined by the indescribable loss felt while watching the world I built disappear day by day. 
 
I am not defined by my choice to blame, hide, and ignore ownership in my experiences.
 
I am not defined by my life path in learning how to piece myself back together.
 
My name is Nicole, I am a forty-five-year-old woman.  My life road has been beautiful, meaningful, and fulfilling. For every challenge I have faced, there has been an opportunity to learn and understand my purpose. And that will continue throughout all the challenges I may face for the rest of my life.
 
My name is Nicole, I am a forty-five-year-old woman with a super chaotic, slightly hysterical, stressful entertaining life with three beautiful daughters, two crazy dogs, a great man by my side, and a supportive, loving, fun, and amazing family. 
 
My name is Nicole, I am a forty-five-year-old woman free of regret, free of shame and free of pain.
 
I am a forty-five-year-old woman who is fearless and ready to embrace the next challenge. 
 
I believe in forgiveness we find power, in power lies truth, in truth we experience pain, in pain we reach peace, and in peace we find who we are. 
 
My name is Nicole, and I am who I am. And I’m totally cool with that.                                                      

If you are in a mental health emergency, please call 911. For mental health resources click here.

Legacy of the Bombing

The Japanese pilot, Nubuo Fujita, visited Brookings 20 years later. He was ashamed of what he had done, and he brought along his family’s 400-year-old katana. He intended to use the sword to commit seppuku if he encountered a hostile reception. But the people of Brookings received him warmly, and he decided to present the city his sword by way of apology. For the next 30 years, he enjoyed a heartfelt relationship with the people of Brookings. They made him an honorary citizen of the town and designated him an ambassador of good will. He helped them with fundraising for a new library and sponsored Oregon students to study in Japan. He planted a tree at the site he had once bombed.

I love that story. To me, it shows the promise of forgiveness — to make life healthier and happier, both for the forgiver and the forgiven.

Forgiveness for Good Health

When you have been wronged, you have a choice to make. You can choose to hold a grudge, or you can choose to forgive and live your life. In a 2015 article in The Atlantic,  Olga Khazan touched on some of the research that has demonstrated the health-giving properties of forgiveness. She spoke with Everett Worthington, a psychology professor whose mother was murdered by a burglar: “When someone holds a grudge, their body courses with high levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. When cortisol surges at chronically high levels for long periods of time, Worthington says, it can reduce brain size, sex drive, and digestive ability.”

In other words, if you choose your grudge, enjoy it. It may have to replace intellect, sex, and good digestion.

Nobody says forgiveness is easy or has to happen quickly. It requires empathizing with someone who has hurt you. But you have to ask if cherishing your grudge is worth the cost. I know that letting someone escape justice is not fair. But what value does fairness have if it reduces your brain size, sex drive, and digestive ability?

Compassion for Yourself

It’s one thing to forgive someone who has wronged you. It’s quite another to forgive yourself. Most of us hope that we are better than our mistakes, and that makes it difficult for us to acknowledge and get past those mistakes.

But if you have no compassion for yourself, how can you have compassion for anyone else? If you are going to condemn yourself to carry the full weight of all your regrets, how will you ever take joy in the present or the future? Don’t fall into the trap of defining yourself by the worst thing you’ve ever done. Muster the courage and dignity to face up to your errors, own them, and forgive them. Then you can be free to love yourself the way you, as a human being, deserve. That may well be the most important step to good mental health.

September 8 is Pardon Day. Use the occasion to pardon yourself and forgive those who have harmed you. And may you have a life as full as that of Nubuo Fujita.

If you are in a mental health emergency, please call 911. For mental health resources click here.

Photo: Nubuo Fujita in flight gear. Author unknown. Public domain.

I took the article’s message to heart, which is why I spend so much time and energy promoting self-awareness on this site.

Two Dimensions of Self-Awareness

For Tasha Eurich, self-awareness is just not navel gazing. She says true self-awareness is a balance between two understandings. One understanding is the sum of your own values, motivations, aspirations, strengths, and weaknesses. The other understanding is how that sum of values, motivations, aspirations, strengths, and weaknesses appear to the people around you. There is, of course, great tension between who you believe you are and who other people believe you are. The truly self-aware are those who can reconcile the two understandings and dissipate that tension.

Tasha Eurich’s insight about balancing internal and external self-awareness allowed her to consider how it affects performance in the workplace. For example, she found that both experience and power undermine self-awareness. The longer you live and the more powerful you become, the easier it is to insulate yourself from others’ views, and the greater the pressure on you to believe in an idealized version of yourself. Dramatists have been telling us for centuries there is no greater tragedy than the one that grows out of the human tendency to misunderstand yourself. Think about Oedipus Rex or King Lear.

A Stage Piled with Bodies

If you pay attention to the great tragedies, you will understand that the best you can hope for in a life lacking self-awareness is to go to your grave ignorant of the damage you have inflicted both on others and on your own prospects for self-actualization. The worst you can realize, on the other hand, is a stage piled with bodies before the curtain comes down.

So… If self-awareness is so important, how do you get it? Here’s my advice, based on Tasha Eurich’s article. Actually, maybe you should follow the link and read the article for yourself. It’s much better written than most scholarly articles, and it’s filled with stories and anecdotes that make it accessible and practical.

Three Rules for Building Self-Awareness

Nevertheless, my reading of the article suggests three rules for building self-awareness. First, always remember to look for the external dimension. Find people you can trust who will tell you honestly how the world sees you. Don’t yield to the temptation to look away when they do. Be fierce about facing it and reconciling it with your internal understanding. When there’s a difference between your internal and external understandings (and there almost always is), give a little more weight to the external view.

Second, when you are thinking about yourself and things you have done, don’t ask why. If you ask why you have behaved as you did, that’s just going to lead you into self-justification or worse, self-pity. Instead, ask what. That way, you’ll be asking how you might have acted differently, which is the first step to planning for a better outcome in the future.

Third, don’t make the mistake of ever thinking you have finally arrived. You’re a complex organism and it’s probably impossible to know yourself completely. But if you give up before you reach complete self-knowledge, you’re probably headed for the stage piled with bodies again. Becoming self-aware is a lifelong project. And it’s worth it. It won’t just help you find contentment. It will make you a more effective human being.

Photo: "Grace - Mirror" by phil41dean is licensed under CC BY 2.0 

CW // self-harm, suicidal ideation

I remember the day I got diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease nearly 23 years ago like it was only 23 minutes ago.  It was October 26^th, 1998, a Monday, the day after celebrating a friend’s birthday.  She was turning 35 and I would shortly be turning 24 that following November.  Now that we’ve established that benchmark, let’s start at the beginning.  

My troubles began around the beginning of June that year while I was working as a house painter.  My furiously fast downward spiral started out as an intermittent crampy stomach ache and a little bit of uhh, diarrhea.  Hmm, had I eaten something that didn’t quite agree with me?  I wish it had been that simple.  As the summer days wore on, that intermittent stomach ache turned into a feeling like my entire insides were constantly on white hot fire.  As the summer days wore on, that little bit of diarrhea turned into more daily trips to the bathroom that any normal person would make in the span of an entire week.  Those trips to the bathroom were agonizing at best and the bathroom had become my own personal torture chamber.

From June to October, I had gone from a healthy, vibrant young woman in her prime to a withering shell of a human being wearing a frightening death mask.  For over 4 months, I did not eat.  I did not drink.  I slept 18 hours a day.  I lost nearly 75lbs.  I was in constant excruciating pain.  I was wearing children’s sized clothing.  I would like to say that all I did was exist, but that would be a gross exaggeration of the truth.  To exist is to live.  I was dying. Quickly.  At that point, I was in such a state of complete despair both physically and emotionally that I decided it was time to end my suffering.  I knew I was dying but I wanted to die on my own terms so I made my suicide plans.  I would divvy up my meager possessions amongst my friends.  I would write each of them a letter that I would attach to whatever trinket I wanted to bestow upon them.  I would tell them how much I loved and cherished them and how very sorry I was to have been leaving them.  I hoped against all hope that they would understand.  This was a solid plan and it was going to happen soon.  I had even bought some nice, pretty stationary.  Then October 26^th happened.

On the morning of October 26^th, I began my usual routine of dragging my sorry self out of bed, throwing on some old painting clothes and making my way to that week’s work site.  Each step, each breath that was taken that morning was taken in excruciating physical and emotional pain.  But it was ok, because it would soon be over.  I would soon be dead.  But there was something different about that particular day.  I wasn’t sure what it was.  It was just a feeling.

I arrived at the work site expecting to find the usual crew of guys I had been working with all summer.  We’d joke a bit, have our coffee and get to work.  But on this particular day, the work site was deserted.  It was just me.  I sat alone on the porch I was supposed to paint that day and I smoked a few cigarettes.  And I reflected.  How did this happen to me?  Why did this happen to me?  And more importantly, WHAT happened to me?  As if I were in a trance, I just calmly got up, got back in the car and I started driving.  I wasn’t sure where I was going, but I was going somewhere where someone would save me.  Turns out I wanted to live after all.

I ended up driving about an hour to my grandmother’s house.  I rang the doorbell, she opened the door and I collapsed into a heap right there on her doorstep.  I crawled over to her couch and just lay there sobbing, sleeping, waking, sobbing.  She called my aunt and my dad and off to the hospital we went.

The ER staff took one look at me and rushed me right into a trauma room where they proceeded to hook me up to all kinds of monitors, took xrays and did blood tests.  I was a mess.  The ER doctor on call came to my bedside and said to me, “Nichole, you are an extremely and dangerously sick young woman right now and you are not leaving this hospital until I figure out why and how to fix you.”  After reading the results of my x-rays and blood tests, he came back into my room and said the words to me that would shape the rest of my life up until this very moment.  He took my hand in his, looked directly and intensely into my eyes and said, “Nichole, I’m 100% certain that you have "Crohn’s Disease”  And I cried.  I didn’t cry because I had Crohn’s Disease, hell I had never even heard of it!  I cried because I finally had a name for what had been killing me.

I won’t bore you with a play by play of my life after that diagnosis.  I will say, though, that my particular brand of Crohn’s Disease was vicious and unrelenting.  Over the course of the next 20 years or so, I would spend more time in a hospital than out of one.  I’ve taken enough pills to choke a whole herd of horses a million times over.  I’ve had such an inordinate amount of surgery that I lost count.  But I am guessing it was somewhere in the 20-ish range.

By some miracle, I then had a couple of good years of actual remission until a fresh hell broke loose.  Historically, my Crohn’s liked to settle in my small intestine causing me to lose about 20 feet of it through multiple surgeries over the span of a few years.  But around 2007, my Crohn’s just got MEAN and left me with infection after infection.  In places I won’t mention.  But I will say that Crohn’s can affect your entire digestive tract…mouth to butt.  So, you draw the conclusion.

Longer story short, I battled and battled with abscesses and subsequent infections in places I won’t mention.  Surgery, surgery, surgery!!!  Can’t even remember how many times I went to the operating room to be honest but I’d wager to say I was getting sliced and diced in my most sensitive of areas easily every other week.  During this horrible period of my life, my amazing surgeon would ever so gently mention the notion that I should really consider having ostomy surgery…getting a colostomy bag.  What??!!  See, I had always known deep in my being that a bag would be an eventuality for me, but I never imagined that it would happen in my early 30s.  So I thought about it.  And then I thought about it some more.  For a long time.  I just couldn’t pull the trigger because the thought of carrying a bag of my own waste in my pants was just too terrifying.  Until one day…

I remember it very clearly.  The point where this way of life became vehemently unacceptable. I was in JC Penney asking the nice salesperson where the bathroom was and it happened.  I finally lost the last ounce of control I had.  Without going into too much detail I will just say this.  As I was standing there listening to her, things meant to exit through the back, exited the other way as the infections had damaged the barrier between the two and provided clear passage.  Think about that for a second.  That was it.  That was my bottom.  I found that bathroom, I cleaned myself up as best I could, pulled out my phone and I called my surgeon to schedule the ostomy surgery right there in that bathroom stall.  Turns out that the infections down there had destroyed the membrane between the front and back.  Ew, I know!

What?  No, really…WHAT???  Ok then.  Here we go!!  Let the games begin!!  About a week later, I was admitted and prepped for the surgery.  That surgery altered the course of my life forever.

This surgery was intended to be temporary so the damage done could heal and then they’d put old Humpty back together again.  They would detach my intestines from the back door plumbing and put a little stoma outside my body with a colostomy bag attached to it. 

However, after two excruciating years and countless barbaric (my surgeon’s word) procedures, the damage from the infections was rendered permanent and unfixable.  I was faced with the decision of giving up the hope of being reattached.

 But hope is a funny thing in cases like this.  Though it was physically possible to be put back together again, the reality of it all was that it just wasn’t going to work.  So after lots and lots of soul searching and putting every bit of trust I had in my surgeon, I realized there was only ONE viable option.  Only one decision to be made.  That decision was to have backdoor parts removed thus rendering my colostomy permanent.  Forever.  And ever.

It really wasn’t that difficult of a decision to make actually.  See, after the initial shock and awe of the temporary ostomy had waned a bit and after I had learned how to care for it, I slowly started to realize a quality of life that I thought had been lost forever.  When I was battling the infections and subsequent failures at repair, I couldn’t and didn’t leave the house.  I lived in tremendous pain.  I got addicted to pain medication.  I fell into a deep and dark depression from which I didn’t think I would ever return.  And for the second time in my life, I had made serious plans to end it all. 

 But with the compassion and intuition of my very gifted therapist, she coaxed me into fessing up to my suicidal plans.  But instead, I got to spend some time in a psych unit.

In the years following this particular point in my life, I have battled medical, physical and emotional trauma.  I battled a raging opioid addiction.  I battled all the demons.  A million times over.  Every day I am reminded of how much this disease has taken from me.  Physically.  Emotionally.  Every day.

I have no idea how the hell I made it through.

Turns out I have a resiliency in me that has carried me through all these years with a silent and vicious chronic illness.  But I am also exhausted.  The amount of fortitude it took to get through the last 23 years has taken so much out of me.  I have no idea how I will find enough strength in me to survive the next 23 years.  But somehow I will.  I always do.

I have two options.  Not choices.  The luxury of choice was taken from me piece by piece, year after year, surgery after surgery.  Options.   Live with it or don’t live with it. 

I admit there are sad, desperate days where the dark thoughts of being free from this incurable illness whisper to me.  But then there are the beautiful days where I am proud of how far I have come, how many of these battles I have won.  I am strong and I live a full life in spite of all of this nonsense.  Those are the days that save me and I pray that they will always outnumber the dark ones.

But on those dark days, I cope, I live, I move on and I move through.  If you were to ask me how, I’d be at somewhat of a loss to iterate the how into words.  I just do.

In the first couple of years into my diagnosis, I sought therapy.  I craved a place where I could cry and rage and cry some more.  A place to be pissed off.  A place where I could ask the age old why me question.  Why me?  Who the hell knows and who the hell knows if I’ll ever know?  I needed a place where I could be heard.  A place where I didn’t have to put on a brave face and make this horrible disease ok for everyone else.  I found that place.  I raged.  I cried.  But after a while I stopped asking why and started figuring out HOW.  How do I make this ok for ME?      

Over the course of the past 23 years and probably just as many surgeries, I have seen five different therapists.  I’d go about 2 or 3 years with a therapist, take some time off because I was ok.  And then when I wasn’t ok anymore, I’d go to someone else.  Rinse and repeat.  I sought out different therapists at different times because I was a different person at different times and I needed a different approach, a different perspective.

Each bout of therapy has strengthened the notion of sharing my story.  I had to learn to stop locking this secret, silent disease away so no one would know about it.  I think THAT is what has helped the most.  Simply talking about it.  Not for pity.  Never for pity.  Ok, maybe sometimes for pity.

Talking about this life with Crohn’s Disease has been my greatest coping skill as it would turn out.  It is a story worthy of an audience.  And I am a survivor worthy of the opportunity to tell it. 

I am a veritable phoenix.  I have been reduced to ashes many times, yet I have risen time and again.   I will always rise.  Because I am amazing. 

Some of the greatest Rockstars became iconic by idolizing other Rockstars. Listening to them navigate life’s high’s and low’s through their song. Laughing, crying and falling in love with their strength and courage through their lyrical story.

Join DoubleSolid’s Rockstar playlist by singing your own song and becoming someone else’s idol. Your high’s and low’s and how you navigate life. Your story is a beautiful song that should be sung. Your story will be the lyrics that inspire others. They will laugh, cry and fall in love with “Your” strength and courage. Be a Rockstar!

Share your story, become a Doublesolid Rockstar! Click HERE

If you are in a mental health emergency, please call 911. For mental health resources click here.

Independence is a big deal. You can tell because we set off a gazillion fireworks every year to commemorate our Nation's favorite holiday. And we aren’t the only country that cherishes its independence. By my count, there are 106 countries that have an independence day. 

Well, People Want Their Independence, Too.

Independence means a lot for a country’s sense of itself. It works that way for individuals, too. I believe that all people strive for a certain "inner" independence throughout their lifetime. Some of us find it and hold onto it, some of us gain it then let it go on repeat, while others simply never experience inner independence at all. 

Three Components of Inner Independence...according to me. 

Experiences with my own mental illness, and those of my loved ones, has made me believe in three components of independence. I believe those three components are self-awareness, self-love, and self-care. All are must-haves for those of us seeking independence from our stressors, our mistakes, our illness.

The first one, self-awareness, helps you to recognize those decisions that might reduce your independence and those that might enhance it. It's stopping and asking yourself why. "Self, why are you mad that guy cut you off in traffic". "Self, do you really care if that person cuts you in line at the grocery?" "Self, is it really a good idea to head into that bar at 11pm?" "Self, why are you clearly avoiding that person/situation?" With sufficient self-awareness, you are likely to have a high degree of self-appreciation, which is the first stage of self-love.

Self-love means putting a high value on your own well-being and happiness. When you know what truly motivates and drives you and what you truly want out of life, you are in a strong position to prioritize your own needs. If you love yourself, you are less likely to suppress your own needs and desires to those of others. That means you are more independent and more likely to get what you deserve from life.

And if you love yourself, you’re likely to care for yourself. Self-care, the final component of independence, is the physical part of getting what you deserve. What does self-care mean? It means doing things that contribute to a healthy life and avoiding those that detract from it. That could be something as simple as going for a walk every morning instead of sleeping in. It could mean joining a running group and letting go of toxic people instead of being with them which only makes you feel alone. 

Researchers also recognize self-awareness. They believe there are two types of self-awareness. The first is internal self-awareness, which means understanding your values, passions, and aspirations. Internal self-awareness has to do with your satisfaction and contentment in life. The second type is external self-awareness, which means how other people view you in all those same dimensions.  External self-awareness has to do with your capacity for empathy. Both combine to make you an effective actor on life’s stage.

You already know the basics of what makes for a healthy life:

• don’t smoke
• drink alcohol only in moderation
• exercise regularly
• keep a healthy weight
• get enough sleep
• minimize stress

Self-awareness, self-love, and self-care make up the foundation of personal independence. Make your own declaration of independence today. Resolve to be your own person by knowing who you are, cherishing yourself, and keeping yourself physically and mentally healthy. Celebrate 1776 however you choose but don't forget to also celebrate your personal independence; which to me is the most precious of them all. 

Cover art by Chad Wheeler, tattooist and resident artist @singleneedle

CW // postpartum depression  

This is our story…the story of when I became a mom, and you became the first love of my life.  You actually just walked into my room, and saw the blank document open on the screen and asked me what I was doing.  I said, I’ve been asked to share a story…a story about when I first became a mom and how I struggled.  You looked at me with a sudden pain in your eyes – at all of 9 years old, I’m not sure how you can have such expression in your eyes.  I immediately knew that you were worried that being your mom was somehow a chore for me, a struggle I wouldn’t choose every damn day to take on.  I immediately assured you that I fell in love with you the moment I met you, the moment you were born, but that I had struggled.  You asked me why, and it was then my turn to struggle – how much do you tell a 9 year old boy; how much detail do you give about how his mom had always struggled with being sad and that after he was born, it was so bad she didn’t know she could go on.  That she had been depressed for most of her life and that after you were born it just go so very bad.

You asked me what depression was…damn it, mothering isn’t supposed to be this hard.  I didn’t want to tell you…but I knew I couldn’t shelter you because that would be such an injustice to you and the people that come into your life who you might be able to help, and who might be able to help you.  I knew I had to speak the truth…

And then I looked in your eyes again, my beautiful little big man, and explained that very simply, very very simply, depression was being very sad and not being able to not to be sad.  I explained that it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be happy, but that it was hard to see the forest through the trees some days and see the good in life.  I didn’t know how else to explain what depression was, without minimizing it, without making you think it was some hopeless disease that I couldn’t get better from, without you thinking it wasn’t ok to be sad.  I wanted you to know that struggle and sadness was ok, but that we keep moving forward. You, my sweet sweet boy, somehow knew exactly what I meant and simply said “I love you mom.” As you walked back to your room, I knew, I had to tell our story…

When I found out I was pregnant with you, it was one of the happiest days of my life.  I was ready to be a mom, to have all those joys of motherhood and experience all the little things that came with bringing a small human into the world.  I dreamed of the fantasy, but also knew that it wasn’t going to be all sunshine and rainbows.  I was already on medication for my depression – years of just not feeling right…and the doctors agreed that I could stay on it because it was such a low dose.  They warned me that postpartum depression was going to be a very real risk for me…and while the academic side of me knew this…I just locked it away in the closet – it didn’t fit my fantasy.

Being pregnant with you was a dream – no morning sickness, no bloating, no nasty nausea, nothing.  The first time I felt your kicks, it was amazing.  You went on to make sure I knew you were around all the damn time…kicking me whenever you could, making sure I knew you were in there and growing fast.  I treasured every moment of it.  Nothing went wrong…until it all did.  So very suddenly, everything went wrong…I went for a pre-natal check up which was now going to happen every week or so because I was at 36 weeks – so very close to meeting you but not quite ready yet.  My midwife suddenly became very cautious.  I’m not sure if it is because she had just lost a baby at full term or if she just sensed something, but all of a sudden I was being sent to the hospital for high blood pressure.  All of a sudden my idyllic perfect pregnancy was out the window, and I was put on bed rest because they wanted to make sure you stayed in longer.  You were perfectly healthy and showing no signs of stress.  Your mom on the other hand – well, I wasn’t doing so hot.  Several trips to labor and delivery and bedrest for a few days, and I was finally admitted.  You needed to be delivered or else my health was going to be in serious risk.  This was absolutely not how this story was supposed to go.

I was admitted on a Saturday and given medication to start the birth process.  I wanted to try and go as natural as possible – so no pain medication if I could manage it.  I was in labor (read that as IN PAIN) for a good 24 hours when the doctors said they were going to give me morphine so I could rest, and then reevaluate in the morning. I will never forget the last thing I heard before I passed out – the doctor saying “she will be asleep for at least 4 hours.”  I woke up 2 hours later in the worst pain of my life, still confused from the morphine haze, but knowing something was wrong. The nurse was called and I was so out of it, I couldn’t really communicate what was going on. The nurses kept saying there was no reason for me to be in such pain.  No one would listen to me…they all said it was absolutely impossible for me to be ready to push.  Finally, the head nurse came – maybe because I was becoming hysterical maybe because I had finally convinced them that I was in such excruciating pain – and checked me and said the doctor needed to come right away.  I will never forget the moment you were born…You didn’t cry…not right away…and I remember hearing them bring you over to the bed to examine you and the doctor saying that if I didn’t push, they were going to have to take me in for emergency surgery.  Nope, not today, doc.  I finally heard you cry, and suddenly the world was right.  Those few moments are still such a blur to me, but I remember that cry, and my will to NOT leave your side. 

We spent the next few days in idyllic peace at the hospital until we were both cleared to go home.  I tried breastfeeding, and was just told over and over again, keep trying…it will happen…you have to make it happen.  I struggled my sweet child, but I did try my best.  I swear I did…

The next few days went by so quick.  Your dad was still home with us, and we somehow managed the round the clock feedings and lack of sleep and me recovering from what ended up being a traumatic birth experience.  I looked at you and knew I loved you…

but something felt off…

This wasn’t how motherhood was supposed to feel.  This wasn’t the fairy tale I had envisioned while I was pregnant.  I felt disconnected…from you, from being a mom, from life.  I told people…about how I felt disconnected, how it was getting wearisome to try and breastfeed you, that I didn’t feel like you and I were bonding.  I was told it was just lack of sleep.  I was told to just keep trying.  I was told to ignore it. I remember calling the lactation consultant at the hospital – the very people who were supposed to be there to help – and being told, I was just clearly not trying hard enough.  I was made to feel like I just wasn’t good enough, and not doing enough.  Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mom.

And then there was a freak storm in October…we lost power at the house so you and I went to go stay with abuela and grandpa.  And I gave up.  A small part of my brain knew it was better to make sure you were fed, than to keep struggling to breast feed you.  I had failed you, I had absolutely and unabashedly failed you, and no one told me any different. No one told me that it was OK to feel the way I was feeling, that there was hep out there, that it was ok to try different ways of feeding you. In my hopes for us to bond, we switched to just formula…my body had failed you yet again, but at least you were eating and maybe now, we could bond. 

But we didn’t…

I still felt so wrong.  Again, the intellectual side of me knew there was something wrong, that this was way more than just lack of sleep and new motherhood, but no one was listening to my concerns, no one heard my fucking voice or the words I was saying.  I was just the paranoid new mom who didn’t know any better.

Until the night, it wasn’t.  We were home alone, and I was giving you one last bottle before bed…well until you were up again in 2 hours, but who’s counting.  We were in your room, in the dark, and I looked down at you and felt…nothing.  And it scared the shit out of me.  I was so terrified, I immediately put you in your crib and called your dad, begging him to come home because I needed to go away; I needed to leave.  It was at that moment, I didn’t give a fuck what people said – I needed help. Now.  I need to reach out and ask for the help I so desperately needed before something horrible happened.  I worried about how I was feeling and what it would mean for us, for me.

The next day, I called the midwife who had taken such good care of us before you were born, but for one reason or another I hadn’t seen for post-natal care.  She immediately saw it for what it was…something that is so common but no one talks about.  She diagnosed me with post partum depression, upped my medication ever so slightly and referred me to counseling.  She told me it was absolutely OK to be feeling what I was feeling, and that it did not mean I was a bad person or a bad mother.  She said that together, with the help of a counselor, we would get through this.  I finally felt like someone was listening.

I remember those counseling visits with this amazing woman who let me just come, and sit on her couch, and cry.  She would hold you, and I would explain how I felt nothing when I held you, but how I so desperately wanted to feel something because I knew I loved you…with every ounce of my soul, I knew I loved you, but I didn’t feel it, I couldn’t feel it.   And all she did was listen…she listened and heard me, she heard my voice and the words I was saying, and said “it was ok.”  And you, my brave, amazing boy, you just kept loving me…you would look at me, and smile, and make those adorable baby noises, and just kept being you.  You would look at me with these deep, old, soulful eyes, and little by little, I started feeling again.  Little by little, I grew to feel the love for you I knew I had for you.  You, my little big man, saved me.  It was in the knowing that it was OK to feel the way I was feeling, and that it didn’t make me a horrible person, that I started healing, that I started seeing the traumatic birth experience and the post-partum depression was real, not made up, and something that could be helped.

One of the things I learned is that despite postpartum depression being such a very real and scary and prevalent thing that happens to women, no one talks about it. No one really talks about depression, how it is ok to be sad…and to feel feelings.  Depression is not some nasty thing to be swept under the rug…it is a very real, very scary, and very lonely thing.  Postpartum might be even worse because while you are feeling those very real, scary and lonely feelings, you are also supposed to care for this small, helpless creature…oh, and you are supposed to bond with it and love it and be perfect for it. 

I want you to know, my sweet sweet boy, that it is absolutely ok that your mom felt those things after you were born.  It was not her fault, and it was not your fault.  And maybe if people had listened to her words, to her voice a little sooner, we would have started our amazing journey a little bit earlier.  But I wouldn’t trade our story for anything in the world.  You taught me how to love, and how to speak up for myself, and for you.  I knew things weren’t right, I knew this wasn’t how things were supposed to be.  And YOU gave me the strength to reach out for help.  And maybe, sweet boy, maybe by writing our story, someone else will reach out too and get help a little bit sooner.  And my hope for you, is that you always feel like you can share your feelings with me…especially if you are sad, because I will always listen, I will always endeavor to hear your words and your voice. 

I hope that our story will rest on the ears of some other mother, who might be struggling, not only with the midnight feedings, or the constant changes in a new baby, a mother who might have been told she’s just not doing it right, or who feels unheard.  And my hope for that mother is that she reaches out to her doctor, to her counselor, to her family or friends, to anyone until she finally has her voice heard.  Because while it is OK for you to feel this way, it doesn’t have to be this way, and there is help.  Always speak up and ask for that help.  Life is too important to struggle in silence. I hear you. 

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If you are in a mental health emergency, please call 911. For mental health resources click here.

It was Sunday, January 2nd, 2011 when our lives were turned upside down. Our 6-month-old son, Pierce, had not been well for over a week. His pediatrician explained all of his blood levels were dangerously low. Without hesitation they sent us an hour and a half north to Children’s Hospital at Dartmouth Hitchcock (CHaD) in Lebanon NH. 

It was the longest, quietest, ride of my life. His father and I drove in silence and I still remember counting down the exits on route 89 to Lebanon.  

Pierce was admitted upon arrival and a blood transfusion was started immediately. Focusing on the positive is something I had become accustomed to doing, so that’s exactly what I did. Awaiting the results, I made a decision to focus on the best-case scenario which helped me get through the long, painful minutes awaiting Pierce's test results.

Unfortunately, the next day we got the diagnosis of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL). This was not at all what we were praying for! 

The next few days were an overwhelming whirlwind. I had to keep my head up and stay to remain as positive as possible. Having been someone who can spiral out and into a depression I had to get on top of my mental health, quickly. I had to be healthy and able to advocate for and take care of my sick child. 

When tragedy strikes, life still goes on. This is easy to say but so much harder to accept when it’s your tragedy-and your life.

I had my baby facing a tough road ahead, my oldest, though with family, was without me. And somehow carrying all of that stress, I still had to remember to rest, shower and comb my hair. It was seemingly impossible at the time, and for the next two years through this ordeal.

Pierce spent the first three months at the hospital while I stayed at David’s House. David’s House provides a home-away-from-home and support for families with children receiving treatment through the Children’s Hospital at Dartmouth-Hitchcock in Lebanon, NH.

The staff at the Hospital and at David’s House were absolutely wonderful often encouraging me to rest and care for myself. They know the strength it takes for a parent to get through and stay strong through this and I was blessed for their support and encouragement.

Many things pulled me through and kept me from falling into a deep depression. My faith in God, the support of my friends and family, and being self-aware all prevented me from spiraling out of control.

I was also sent an angel! A woman I grew up with, but didn’t know well, worked at the hospital. She saw my post on Facebook about Pierce and she reached out to me. The following day she showed up at Pierce’s room with snacks, magazines and a friendly face. She continued to check in on us regularly and our friendship grew. Having a person to lean on and, talk to about non-cancer things was very helpful. She also helped me to get out and about. She brought me to a jewelry making class that was being put on after hours in the hospital.

Jewelry making became a priceless activity for me. I spent my days in a hospital room where my thoughts and the “what ifs” could've taken me over. Making jewelry was a healthy distraction. It also allowed me to give back.  I was able to make items for the nurses and other moms who had children on the floor. Being creative then sharing what I made with who empathized encouraged me to remain positive and connect with others.

I learned the hospital had services for cancer patients and caregivers. On several occasions I took advantage of this service. I had to take time to care for myself. There were dark days for sure when I shut out the rest of the world and just cried. On those days I turned on my music, prayed, and took time for myself to mourn. 

Now, I was not perfect, I didn’t only have healthy ways of dealing with what we were going through. David’s House was a great retreat for me, I could go there, chat with some other adults, watch some TV, take a shower, have dinner, and get some sleep. Yet, there were also lots of sweets available, all of the time. Food has always been a coping mechanism for me. This was no exception! All of those sweets and lack of exercise, I packed on the pounds. 

When we did finally get to go home my anxiety was through the roof and my stress levels were extreme. By remaining self-aware, I recognized I was struggling.  I went to see a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner who was able to help me determine the right medication for me and my situation. I had to be there for my children; just physically but my mentally and spiritually as well.

Depression isn't something that was new to me. I had dealt with it since I was a teenager, maybe even younger. Over the years I had several spirals into depression and required medication in support of my recovery.

Medication, counseling, and healthy habits are all ways I have dealt with my depression in the past. This past year with the pandemic and all that came along with it, I saw myself heading back down the path. I contacted my provider right away and decided to add medication in to support my mental health in getting through another tough time.

Though I feel better with each passing year, I still have to pay attention to my triggers to avoid a slip back into depression and anxiety.

Pierce and I suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress disorder (PTSD) following the ordeal. He is now on medication for anxiety and has a counselor. He doesn’t consciously remember his treatment, but it is deeply embedded in his brain. He does know that he had cancer and will have follow up appointments for the rest of his life. But we deal with it, just like we dealt with it before. We have learned when we are faced with stress in our lives it is vital for us to be aware of what is supporting and what is hindering and seeking the help we need. We need to be self-aware asking for help and accepting it when offered. 

It was a long, terrible ordeal but we made it! Pierce is turning 11 years old this June and continues to be in remission!

It is brave to get the help we need; physically and mentally. Whether it be therapy, taking medication or jewelry making, do what works best for you with bravery and courage. Utilize your support system and do all you can to be self-aware.

I learned through times of struggle we can triumph over tragedy but often we just can’t go it alone. My hope is by sharing Pierce’s story, and mine, you will be reminded how important self-care is when faced with tough situations. Seek the help you need and always treat yourself with compassion and grace.                

Share your story, become a Doublesolid Rockstar! Click HERE

If you are in a mental health emergency, please call 911. For mental health resources click here.