I wanted my knuckles tattooed for a long time. But, I never felt 100% about what I had come up with. I had a list of phrases going on for years. Nothing felt....right.

I'm not too picky at this point in my collection of tattoos. So often, I forget if I have something or not. "Do I have a seashell?" or even "Didn't I get an Einstein's head?" But this was my knuckles. This meant something different.

But, while working on creating LIVE LIFE LOUD, it hit me. "LIVE LIFE,"....which makes sense to me on many levels. I pushed myself way out of my comfort zone with my first runway show. Most days, I was freaking out internally and convincing myself I couldn't do it, and, ugh, that was rough. I won't get into that here though you can read about those thoughts in my blog.

I've spent a lot of energy trying to fight my illness. But no matter what I've done, it hasn't gone away. So I realized the harder I try to fight it, the worse I end up feeling because no matter what, I cannot make it go away.

Well, it has taken years and a lot of internal work, but I have finally accepted myself entirely, illness and all, which helps me feel more comfortable in all aspects of my life.

However, that doesn't mean I never have to put up my dukes. 

Sometimes, I gotta' knuckle up to disallow myself from getting in my way. 

Sometimes I have to tough love myself- I have to remind myself that I am strong, worthy, and can live through anything. 

This tattoo turned into the Knuckles design, representing all of these thoughts and feelings. It reminds me that "I've got this," and sometimes, I must pull on my strength and toughness to get through. And that's ok. 

Thanks to my husband and art collaborator, Chad Wheeler, for his work. Check him out at Scorpion Tattoo. 

If you are experiencing a crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. You can also call or text the Samaritans directly at 877-870-4673. You are not alone.

I am a suicide attempt survivor, so it hit me hard when a friend's youngest sister died of suicide at the age of 13. Nobody can make the world right again in the aftermath of suicide, and when it strikes that close, you feel like you have to do something. So I decided I would honor her life by raising funds for suicide prevention by using my story as a platform. 

As a recreational athlete at the time, I applied for, was accepted, and began fundraising for the Samaritans Suicide Prevention Organization Boston Marathon team. I created "Mo Runs for Hope," the tagline that would help me keep focus through the entire process. 

With my family roots in Boston and surrounding towns, this prestigious course was always special to me. I remember the first time I saw it from the backseat of my father's car. We were trying to get to the hospital to welcome my new cousin into the world. We were in bumper-to-bumper traffic as swarms of arms and legs flailed by in the weirdest parade I had ever seen. I was young; what can I say?

Recreational sports taught me that moving my body soothes my soul, calms my mind, and allows me to feel free, in a healthy way, like nothing else ever had. 

So I set out to tell my story, honor my friend's sister's memory, and push myself physically to see what I could challenge myself to achieve.

Running to raise funds preoccupies you with two different campaigns: one to collect pledges of financial support and the second to train yourself for the actual running, which is both a physical and mental exercise. It also empowered me to open up about my story and continuous struggles while creating lifelong connections with people I wouldn't have had otherwise. It was freeing. Validating. Reassuring.

Harvard Health Publishing reports exercise is as effective as antidepressants in some cases. 

Well, I was one of those cases. My brain naturally feels better when I am active and moving my body. So I could feel a weight lifting off my shoulders on every run. I noticed the small things, the lovely things, the smell of the air, the sunlight bouncing off of cars, and deer in the front yards of houses as I ran by early mornings. 

The training is hard, but it is the easy part. It really is. You wake up and look at the calendar to see what kind of run you need that day, and you do it. 

Fundraising is much more. You know what I mean if you've ever set out to raise as much money as required to run the Boston Marathon through a charitable organization. It's all exciting and fabulous, but when fundraising, you can't take too many down days, or you'll lose momentum and will not be able to make your commitment. If that's the case, as the runner, you are financially responsible for what you don't raise. This can land you owing thousands. But by being incredibly motivated by the cause, it is easy to remain focused and moving forward; physically, mentally, and emotionally, teaching me to use similar practices in my life when not in running shoes.

The lessons from the road are many. Ask any runner. 

A Punch In the Gut

When I met my friend's mother, we would discuss how she was coping with the loss of her 13-year-old daughter to suicide. Unimaginably, this woman was going out of her way to support me through her own tragedy. We both knew the only way to bring attention to something was to get attention to it, so with her blessing, I was off and running. We spoke through text often, exchanging stories, struggles, and support, sometimes for hours, while I trained and fundraised.

I was a few months into my training when this woman, now my friend, also died by suicide. I remember getting the call and instantly feeling like I was simultaneously hit by a truck and frozen in time. I read over every message I ever sent, wondering if something was in there that pushed her and validated her ideation. Did I respond to everything she sent? Was I kind enough? Did she know how much I cared about her? Could I have done something? Did I miss a phone call? I didn't know what to do with my emotions, and I did my best to lay off the selfish thoughts about what I did or didn't do and put that emotion into pushing myself further in running and fundraising. 

Still, and genuinely, the family encouraged me to continue. So, without a doubt, that is precisely what I did, and I never looked back.

As the National Library of Medicine explains, survivors of suicide may be left to struggle with their own suicidal ideation. In fact, those who lost someone to suicide are at a higher risk of the same fate. I can't tell you how hard losing her was, so I won't try. But I found myself training to run in the memory of two people instead of one, and I was going to put all I had into every step.

For the next several months, my day job was to put one foot in front of the other to hone my fitness for the run. My other job was to put my life, struggles, and history out there for all to see. I accepted the risk of being judged while I invited everyone to follow me through months of soul-searching, support, advocacy, training, and fundraising. I am happy to say though sometimes difficult, I was successful.

On marathon day, I raised over $11,000 for the Samaritans with the loving support of my network and tribe.

I stood at that start line with photos of both mother and daughter pinned to my back. I added ribbons for loved ones of friends who died by suicide and who were suicide attempt survivors. The shirt was an emotional map of lives lost too soon. So, I wore that shirt to the start line and stood as tall as I could for them, me, and all those who think they are limited by mental illness.

I can't pretend to be the fastest runner or the Samaritans' biggest benefactor, but I became part of a community through that process I didn't know existed. Mental health has not been a mainstream topic until just recently. And it's because organizations like Samaritans, NAMI & American Foundations for Suicide Prevention have been and will continue to advocate, educate, and support to prevent other families from suffering the same fate. We've come a long way, but we need to do better.

The CDC would tell you that preventing suicide is a long-term, society-wide commitment. It advises a strategy of providing families financial support, stabilizing housing, ensuring access to mental health care, reducing access to lethal means, promoting connectedness, and teaching coping skills. These are all ways to minimize a leading cause of death. Unfortunately, 46,000 people died by suicide in the U.S. in 2020 — a 30% increase over the year 2000. I will tell you that preventing suicide also requires education for everyone, not only the afflicted and affected. 

A community needs to understand mental illness is not to be feared. We are not Michael Myers. We are humans who have families, love others, and have gifts to share with the world. The more we talk about it, the more we understand and connect to one another. Human connection destroys mental illness stigma. The less stigma, the more people feel free to talk about it, feel understood, and feel connected to others. It's a simple recipe, but we all must do our part.

Suicide Prevention

When it comes to the individual in crisis, your best chance to prevent suicide is simply listening. That's mainly what the Samaritans do. They listen. According to the Austria chapter of the Samaritans, "Samaritan volunteers answer confidential, anonymous crisis hotlines for people that are lonely, isolated, depressed, or suicidal."

Listening may seem simple or easy, but it takes work. The Samaritan volunteers are trained to listen actively. A Samaritan volunteer will not offer advice but listen to you and reflect on your situation and feelings as you describe them. Some callers find this frustrating. But most people take it as a powerful sign that at least one other human being understands what they're going through. In our modern society, the experience of being heard is so unusual that it can often divert someone from a suicidal intent.

Active Listening

If you want to know how to help someone who is suicidal, the Samaritan experience suggests that you listen to them. I will tell you the same. But active listening is a skill that requires both learning and practice to do it effectively. So your best bet is to acquire the skill before you need it. I know change is hard but learning how to actively listen is not difficult; a quick Google search, and you're on your way. Here's a good article that describes classic Rogerian active listening and offers tips and exercises. 

But if you want to learn active listening under the guidance of experts, consider volunteering with a local chapter of the Samaritans. The Samaritans have 400 centers worldwide, so you need to do a web search to find your local Samaritans chapter. Here, for example, is the page on volunteering for the Austria branch.

If you commit to at least one four-hour week and an overnight shift once a month, the Samaritans will train you to be a better listener than you ever thought possible. But be warned. According to the CDC, "In 2020, an estimated 12.2 million adults seriously thought about suicide." What that means in practical terms is that the Samaritans' phones never stop ringing. Not all callers are suicidal. Samaritans are willing to listen to anyone who feels troubled or depressed. So volunteering is something of a commitment. But it's also likely to be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life.

There are many ways you can support folks needing mental health support. First, you can start with our extensive & growing list of resources. Then, do your research, ask your questions, and, most importantly, check in with your own mental health. 

If you have been affected by suicide, my heart hurts for you. As a survivor and someone who has lost loved ones to suicide, I understand the excruciating loss and painful steps through the healing process.  also see the importance of hope, keeping it in my view at all times. There is nothing easy about digging yourself up and out of the darkest days. But with hope, anything is possible. I'm here to remind you that no matter how far you've fallen, you can Phoenix the F*ck out of Yourself each and every time.

I reran Boston for Samaritans in 2019. With every step, I reminded myself how much the Samaritans and organizations like them help if people reach out. It is the job of the mental health community and those in it to continue to speak, stand up for ourselves, and seek support when needed.

Move Your Mind

I am not a doctor, not a scientist, not a researcher. I am, however, a human who has been living for years, self-aware of my mental illness. I have learned ways to ease my mind and my symptoms. Though I haven't been able to run in some time due to injury, I have found other outlets. Sometimes I write poetry. Sometimes I paint. My energy and motivation are poured into my business, where I can be both a creative and an advocate. I hope to show front and center we can have a debilitating mental illness, but we can use it to inspire, create, and educate in honor of those we lost and prevent others from the same fate. 

So, speak up, advocate for yourself, and don't quit until you get the support you need. Your life has value, and you are never alone.

Your life has value. Period. 

Trigger Warning: Mention of suicide, self-harm, seizures
Video may be disturbing to some. View with caution.

After each of these seizures, all I want to do is sit, stare, and let my body drop into the couch. I'm grateful when the medicine begins to sink in, helping my muscles relax. Though I can get something in my system to offset the wild movements, I still end up with one or two muscle strains. A kink here, a kink there. It feels like I exercised for hours when I certainly did not. It takes so much out of me.

To me, these non-epileptic seizures are the oddest things. First, I can feel the shaking start like an internal vibration. Then, before I know it, I am stuttering, swearing, physically shaking, and trying to get myself in a safe space because I know what's coming. 

It feels absolutely terrible. 

I try to speak, but it comes out jumbled. I try to reach for things, but my body is flailing around, and I cannot control it. But, as odd as it sounds, when the ordeal is over, I am calm and relaxed, and every muscle seems to take a rest, thankfully.

This is my footage from the seizure I experienced Friday. It shows me gesticulating, making quirky faces, and taking a pill. It may not be suitable for everyone to view. 

I record these episodes when I am able because it helps me understand myself. PNES, or Psychological Nonepileptic Seizures, can look drastically different from one person to the next. It is extremely understudied, and there are no real answers, just things to try and learn from when an episode rears its ugly head. Although I must say, now that I know what is happening to me, I am much more relaxed during them. If I am cognitively aware, that is. But I'm not always present; instead, I'm lost in a whirly-twirly rainbow floating around in my subconscious.

As I mentioned, PNES looks different for most. But I found a pretty good FAQ here; check it out.

Once I had settled down and rested, I watched the video recording. I noticed how I could hold a phone for a bit and put the cap on my water bottle, but I couldn't stop twerking or making jazz hands repeatedly. I don't understand why sometimes I jerk and repeat movements; other times, I stretch as far as possible. So now I know these episodes can take all types of turns. I just have to roll with it and let it happen as safely as possible, constantly reminding myself that this moment is temporary. It will get better.

Something did stand out during this episode, but it wasn't something I did. As it was happening, even more bizarre than, well, me was my dog, Bruno. Bruno is a Shih Tzu/Terrier mix and notorious for staring at me; all the livelong day. This time was no different, but he was lying on his side, jolting every few seconds. I have never seen him move like that! That dog was mimicking me, and I could not believe my eyes. I felt he was showing me it was normal. We all do that! He then ran over to me as if playing and did the I'm a little dog standing up and leaning on the couch thing. I pet him, and wouldn't you know it; my body immediately began to relax. I'll never forget that. You can hear my husband a bit in the background of the video on speakerphone. When I was petting the dog, my husband said he could sense the instant relief, hearing it in my voice. That's something to add to the old toolbox for next time. 

Many years ago, I would get angry, throw things, drive 100 mph, and stay out all night in reaction to the symptoms of my illness and the stigma associated with it. I grew up knowing I was "too sensitive" because I was told that constantly. But I wasn't sensitive. I was ill. Lucky for me (and others), those days are over. I'm not saying I won't ever be manic again; scientific data and my experiences tell me otherwise. But I have learned that deciding how to respond to situations like this helps me recover. It can extend and improve the quality of my life to practice mindfulness even (most importantly) when struggling. And if that makes me sensitive, good for me. I'd rather be supportive of myself than feel I am a wrong human. There is nothing wrong with me. I have an illness, and this is how I can accept it, work with it, and understand it. 

Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, OCD, PNES, PTSD, and failed back syndrome can make daily living difficult. With my illness and the fact I am a suicide attempt and self-harm survivor, I must manage my symptoms before and when triggered. No one else will do it for me. Therefore, I must do everything I can to help myself, even if that means getting very uncomfortable and challenging my mind to be better for itself.

One could refer to my mantra, "I am not doing this to myself," as a way to create new neural pathways to change the way I'm prone to thinking. I bet you can probably guess my TOC (therapy of choice). You would be correct if you said CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Everyone has what works for them. CBT is and has been a longstanding, reliable tool in my toolbox. But there isn't just one tool; it takes many to keep this garage functioning.

Hmm. I never did compare myself to a garage before.

So, I guess it is safe to say the seizures have not gone away entirely, though, with a medication change, I had hoped they would. But unfortunately, it seems they are part of my life, and I have no choice but to go with the flow and learn as much as possible. Then make the changes necessary to live even better than the day before.

I believe my brain was created and grew with an imbalance or biological malfunction. Over time, my mind has worked in overdrive, often against me and in the wrong direction. I also believe that regardless of everything that happened to me, it is my job to train my brain to work better for my loved ones and me throughout my life. That means letting go of all things that no longer serve me, whether it be people, places, activities, thoughts, or behaviors. I have to live with myself and prefer to live knowing I do the very best I can at being the best person I can be. And I don't give a shit how cliche that sounds. That's my truth, and that's all I can do. So I am good with that.

Thank you for your interest in my story. It means more than I could ever explain. If you need help, please check out our growing resources list here. Remember, you do you. Be sensitive, be loud, and be bold but never be quiet about your illness. Advocate for yourself because you, my dear, matter.

If you need immediate care, call 911 or 988.

Love & hope to all,

Mo🤘❣️

May is our favorite month here at Doublesolid. It is Mental Health Awareness Month! The next 30 days are set aside for mental health activists and organizations to schedule events and activities to promote and publicize the mental health conversation. And that conversation is one of the reasons we're here!

We believe that talking about mental health makes it just another part of life. It's when you don't talk about it that you let ignorance, intolerance, and fear take over. In fact, we are working tirelessly for our inaugural event, "LIVE LIFE LOUD," a Variety Show featuring Doublesolid's Runway Premier- all to benefit NAMI NH to #getloudaf about mental health together!

Don't Take Mental Health for Granted

Some of us are born mentally healthy, and some of us have to work at it. But nobody should take mental health for granted, especially with what we have lived through since March 2020. It's not difficult to be caught off-balance, to let a bad mood turn into a bleak outlook, and to take up habits (such as substance abuse) that seem to restore the balance but actually put you on a downward spiral.

On the other hand, you can protect your mental health with healthy habits. First, you need to practice self-awareness. Like Lil' Mo Big World (featured photo), take a few moments to look in the mirror. If you understand yourself thoroughly and combine that with an understanding of how others perceive you, you can read the telltale signs of a loss of balance and correct it early. Second, you need to take care of yourself, which means protecting yourself from people and forces that seek to undermine your autonomy. Say no once in a while. Excuse yourself from toxic relationships- friends, coworkers, and even family, no matter who they're with. Let go of people that make you feel worse about yourself, not better. Instead, invite people who support you to thrive, grow and love. Third, help others when you can. It makes you feel good to help, and doing so connects you to people. Fourth, maintain your support network. Family and friends can be vital to your mental health.

Yes, seems easy when you list them out, but in all honesty, it takes a lot of work. But hard work is ok, especially when it leads to a better, happier, fuller life. 

Healthy Living and Mental Health

The truth is that mental health is a critical component of overall health, and it is deeply intertwined with it. Just one example: depression is associated with elevated levels of chronic diseases, such as heart attack, diabetes, and stroke. Another example is chronic medical conditions, such as fibromyalgia which can undermine mental health. 

As a chronic pain warrior myself, living with pain has been excruciating for me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Not being able to do the things I once loved (running, for example) has been a lot to accept. Sure, it may be temporary (over a year since I've run), but frankly, chronic pain sucks. And it weighs heavy on the body, the heart, and the mind. 

I am fascinated by the strength of the connection between mental health and overall health because it saved my life. I was in severe difficulty a little over a decade ago. And if I hadn't attended to my overall health, I don't know where my bipolar disorder, ADHD, anxiety, PTSD, and conversion disorder might have taken me. But I know it wouldn't have been a good place. Thankfully, as I was coping with all my disorders and abbreviations, I decided to try running. So I laced up my sneakers and jogged out the door. Over the next several weeks, I became physically fit, and I realized I had found at least part of an effective treatment.

You know that the fitter you get, the better you feel. The better you feel, the healthier you become mentally. I am sure I'm oversimplifying the process here, but you get it. 

Now, unable to be the physically fit runner and triathlete I once was, I have had to put my mental health first and find other activities to get the good hormones flowing. 

Enter Doublesolid. Creating lifts my spirits. Sharing my story and my creations with others who understand is a feeling like no other feeling I have ever experienced. It connects me to the world, therefore helping me to feel an essential part of the community, just like you. I can't tell you how many people reach out to me daily with their mental health journey, and we share, then together we feel a bit relieved; and that's freaking awesome. 

When we are derailed in our mental health journey, we have to switch gears and find another route to healthy living. By creating Doublesolid, I have opened up many doors; I have fallen in love with painting! Who knew! But if I had given up entirely because running isn't a current option, I'd only have gone backward in my mental health journey. So always take that time to look at yourself and do all you can to shift gears when needed. Your mental health is worth it. 

Mental Health Awareness

But you can't get around the fact that mental health primarily resides in the brain, and the brain, like any other system in your body, depends on healthy inputs (oxygen, nutrients). Your health and fitness can dramatically improve the efficiency with which you can provide these inputs. Good health and wellness mean you process oxygen better and digest and transport nutrients better.

Go to the start line of any marathon or triathlon. You will find a variety of body types, a full spectrum of personalities, and a diversity of ages and interests. You won't find feelings of loneliness, uselessness, and shame. Those sorts of feelings are incompatible with fitness. But you don't need running shoes to get to the start and finish line. All you need is to look in the mirror and find what makes your heart feel full- and go after it! That same thing may not work a year from now, but that doesn't matter. Focus on today and how you can help yourself...today! Oh, wait, I have an idea!

Have a conversation about mental health this month. Fight ignorance, intolerance, and fear. And live your best — and healthiest — life. 

Don't forget that we are continuously adding to our Mental Health Resources. Check them out for what may serve and support you and by all means, email us at [email protected] if you have organization suggestions! 

Content Warning: Self-harm, suicide. If you are in crisis, please call 911. 

I am often told by doctors, "oh, I've never seen this..." or "you are one of the few affected by...". I laugh because I prefer to be one of the few who win the lottery. Instead, I am one of the few who experience random medical issues. For most, the onset of self-harm begins at thirteen. Not me. I am one of the few who started self-harming as an adult.

I was a new mother of a beautiful little boy, working a full-time job with my own car, with a steady boyfriend, and a solid group of friends. However, shortly after my Bipolar Disorder diagnosis, it all began to crumble. 

I cannot tell you exactly when or why I began harming myself. But what I can tell you is I have worked hard through therapy to build the coping skills I needed to stop. But this journey is different for everyone. Today I share some of mine. 

March 1 is Self-Harm Awareness Day. I figure this is an excellent time to shed light on the shushed and highly stigmatized self-harm. Though about 17% of people self-harm at some point in their lives, the entire subject is avoided. For me, I did what I could to cover the scars on my arms, telling people, "I fell through glass," or a "cat attacked me." I didn't give much thought to my excuses as I couldn't believe people had the gall to ask me about them. "Why did you do that to yourself" was always my favorite. As if I didn't feel bad enough.

The self-harm community hasn't quite settled on a universal emblem of observance. Some people wear an orange ribbon; some wear a butterfly or a beaded bracelet on the wrist. How you choose to express your understanding matters less than the understanding itself. The self-harming population is probably the most misunderstood group of our whole misunderstanding society.

You need look no further than the CDC, whose web page on the subject lumps self-harm with suicide, as if they were just different expressions of the same urge. It may be true that people who self-harm are more likely than others to attempt suicide. But I don't think the urge to self-harm is always the same urge that prompts suicide attempts. And I don't think it's helpful to lump them together.

As you may know, my go-to resource for mental health is the National Alliance on Mental Health. The NAMI page on self-harm says that people who never learned to control strong emotions or who have learned to hide those emotions may feel a release in self-harm. There's also a mood elevation that results from the endorphins stimulated by an act of self-harm. But self-harmers are not all the same. Some have never really felt emotions and engage in self-harm to excite some kind of feeling

Self-Harm Awareness

Here's where we get into why self-harm awareness is so important. Those who engage in self-harm often feel ashamed. The shame becomes another strong emotion that they need to relieve. How do they relieve it? More self-harm. Like so many other mental health problems, it can slip into a vicious cycle of self-harm, shame, and more self-harm. The shame, of course, comes from the stigma. And it is the rest of us who are responsible for that stigma.

Which brings us to the first thing you can do to help someone who self-harms. Don't buy into the stigma. As NAMI says, "Self-harm is not a mental illness, but a behavior that indicates a need for better coping skills." People who lack skills in a particular area need training, not shame.

How to Help

How else can you help? First, according to NAMI, you need to be accepting. Listen, and take what the self-harmer says seriously, no matter how difficult it is for you to understand. Be there for the person. Above all, "Don't dismiss emotions or try to turn them into a joke." Don't say, "I get frustrated too, and I don't do that!"

Try to guide the person toward professional help. Unfortunately, self-harm is not uncommon, and several therapies can help a person acquire the coping skills needed to break out of the cycle. NAMI has a page on getting help, which is an excellent place to find a therapist.

On a personal note

It took me a long time to forgive myself for my father having to rush to the hospital with over one hundred self-inflicted wounds on my thighs and arms. They were superficial, but together it was a scary sight. Another time a friend brought me to the emergency room after I cut my arms deep enough, requiring staples. Self-harm isn't a joke. Nor should it be ignored. Those who self-harm are trying to communicate something. We may not realize why we are doing any of it, never mind knowing how to stop. So, we must get the help we need. 

Resources for Self-Harm

Requesting a self-harmer promise to "just stop" is equivalent to telling an alcoholic the same. It takes more than willpower to stop, so forcing such a promise means possibly setting the person up for failure, regret, shame, and ultimately more self-harm. 

There are great resources to help those who self-harm and those who care about them. An excellent place to start is the NAMI page on self-harm. There is also an organization called Self-Injury Outreach and Support, a nonprofit initiative between the University of Guelph and McGill University. Their page includes information guides, stories, advice, and research. Finally, a website called The Mighty sponsors a community of therapists and patients for conversation and support. Their self-harm resources page has a wealth of links to organizations. 

TRIGGER WARNING // sexual assault

We Are Not What Happens to Us 

"The difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you do."- Bill Phillips.

Growing up, I was always a tomboy, which led me to play outdoors in neighborhood sports versus inside with dolls like most girls. I would also play sports with the boys at school, which was how I stumbled upon soccer. I joined recess games and fell in love with the sport. I told my parents that I wanted to play, and before long, I became a part of the soccer team. Little did I know my love for sports was what would save me from myself later in life.

My favorite position was forward because I lit up with excitement at the chance of scoring and winning. Even with asthma, I had endurance, but my endurance wasn't enough to keep me in the forward position. My coach put me mid-field, which I didn't care for, but it prepared me for a lesson I wasn't expecting. 

In 7th grade, I decided to try cross country. At tryouts, we were to run a mile which I did. Soccer had helped increase my endurance, and I made the team. Unfortunately, I wasn't the fastest, but I did fall in love with running and the challenge of pushing myself. I learned what I had to do to achieve the goals set out for us in training sessions and meets.

At 15, my would all change, and it would take my love of sports to help bring it all into balance.

It was April 8th, after my sister married and moved out of our family apartment. I had finished practice and was walking home with a friend. When we were about to separate, she suggested we go to her place to hang out. I knew I would have my apartment to myself, and to an introvert having some alone time for the first time in years sounded great. So we parted ways, and I walked home alone.

I didn't see him jump out at me until it was too late. When I did, I realized he was pointing a gun at me. I was in shock. But I knew I had to do everything he wanted. I only thought was "this was it" and "this is how I die." He ran away, leaving me to pick up my pieces.

I made it home and immediately called my parents. I couldn't reach my mom, but my Dad answered. When my father arrived, he called the police. And this was the day when my struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD began.

A male doctor did a rape kit as they had no females available. I made a statement to the police and met with a sketch artist. Once the procedures were through, my parents tried to get me into counseling, but I shut down and wouldn't talk to anyone. Once the drawing by the sketch artist was out, the adults posted it on every window at my school. So I had to see it every day, staring at me.

I stopped talking to friends and doing anything that I enjoyed. All I did was sleep. I did what most survivors do, and I blamed myself. I felt I must have deserved this or asked for it somehow. Maybe I was only meant to be garbage and trash to be used and thrown out as that is what happened, right? I grew such a hatred for myself, and I began to respond to that hatred with self-harm behavior.

Medications weren't helping me, and I wasn't ready to talk, so it left me to go back to the things I loved. I to find myself in them again.

I found myself picking up running and getting out there to be active again. In 2009 I ran my first marathon! I felt such joy, and I hadn't felt that emotion in a long time. I felt unstoppable, unbreakable. And if I felt that great after a marathon imagine the feeling of doing an Ironman.

What is an Ironman? It's a 140.6-mile triathlon (2.6 miles of swimming, 112 miles of biking, and 26.2 miles of running, yes, all in one day). In 2014 decided to train for and attempt my first Ironman. Unfortunately, I failed, and it crushed me overloading me with those feelings of unworthiness once again.

But, if there is one thing I have plenty of, it is perseverance. I have learned this from myself time and time again. So, that's what I did. I tried again in 2017. This time after months of relentless training, I crossed the finish line of Ironman Arizona. I didn't cross alone; I crossed that finish line supported by my incredible coach, teammates, family, and friends. It was the best day of my life.

As an effective way to keep my mental health balanced, I train and push myself to accomplish things I never thought possible. But, just like when my coach put me in mid-field, I had to do what was uncomfortable to reach my potential and be led to other things that made me happy. And though I still have the instinct to prove I am not trash.

I find myself attempting to do great things because I know I can, and it's a reminder that yes, I am worthy. I am not perfect in my journey but setting goals and pushing through the toughest of days has been what has saved my self-worth and my lifetime and time again. What I learned training for Ironman had been the very thing to help me in a breakdown. When I wanted to quit in the Ironman, I told myself that this feeling wouldn't last and keep going. That has been a game-changer.

I try to be open but my struggles with mental health and my journey because I know others have been through something similar, and I know how lonely it feels. I use my training to keep myself positive and keep my mind busy getting to my goal so that it doesn't keep me stuck in a downward spiral that ends in destruction. That it feels like it will never get better. Training for events has taught me to show up every day in my struggle. No matter what to get dressed and keep moving forward. It has taught me that my struggles are temporary, and I am much stronger than I sometimes am willing to accept.

Sometimes in life, we are put in positions we don't care for, similar to my coach putting me in the center, not forward as I had hoped. But we don't need to sit back and fall short of our potential just because someone else has decided for us or ourselves trying to convince us we are no good.

That is why, for me, training and being active isn't about just being healthy. It's about surviving and fighting for the life I deserve when all the odds stack up against me. So, please, take one more step when it feels like you can't go any further, like you have reached your limit. Soon, you won't be taking one step at a time; at some point, you find yourself simply moving forward, and for me, forging ahead is the only way to go!

If you or someone you know has been a victim of sexual assault please reach out for support:

National Sexual Assault Hotline, accessible 24/7 by phone (800.656.HOPE) and online (online.rainn.org).

Share your story, become a Doublesolid Rockstar! Click HERE

If you are in a mental health emergency, please call 911. For crisis resources click here.

With the baby blues, you find you are irritable or impatient. You are restless, anxious, or sad. Fatigue, insomnia, mood changes, and an inability to focus may trouble you. Feelings most of us women are no stranger to; we do have that whole "monthly friend" that comes to visit. We know what it's like to find ourselves crying at small provocations or for no reason at all; pet commercials, hallmark movies. These symptoms can bother you a few minutes up to a few hours each day.

You can manage these symptoms by taking care of yourself, talking with others about what you’re feeling, asking for help in some of the new tasks you’re dealing with, eating a balanced diet, and taking breaks now and then. The baby blues usually go away in two weeks. 

Beyond the Baby Blues

Unfortunately for some women, the baby blues persist beyond two weeks, or if the symptoms intensify markedly, we should be a bit concerned and if this happens to you, seek medical care as soon as you recognize what's happening with you. It is possible you may have postpartum depression (PPD), which occurs in 10%-20% of mothers. Best to call your provider as soon as the concern sets in. 

PPD is a major depressive disorder. It includes all the symptoms of clinical depression, plus anger, fear, or extreme guilt. It can include obsessing over whether you’re an adequate parent or feelings of disconnection from your baby. It will likely also feature difficulty sleeping even when you’re exhausted. PPD sufferers generally feel as if they have no control over their lives, and without treatment the condition can potentially last for about a year.

Calling Attention to Symptoms

PPD often goes misunderstood and unrecognized, therefore untreated. The vast majority of new mothers experience the baby blues, so everybody around you — even your medical providers — will probably assume that your feelings are both normal and temporary. They downplay your concerns or don’t listen to them at all. But PPD doesn’t usually go away on its own. Treating it may require counseling and medication. And getting attention for the condition sometimes requires you to freak out. You don’t need to take my word for it. Our newest idearbitrage ROCKSTAR had such an experience. Find her raw, honest and inspirational story among our stories of struggle and strength.

If you have a history of anxiety or mood disorders, you’re more likely to develop PPD. And if you’ve experienced PPD with a previous birth, you have a stronger chance of experiencing it again. But don't let that scare you, the help is out there so if you have a concern go ahead and get your village set-up to prepare just-in-case. Connect with your providers, your trusted friends and family and let them know of your concerns. Do not keep them to yourself. The self-awareness one needs in order to prepare for the effects of anxiety or depression, in our opinion, only helps us to grow and understand ourselves; making the next struggle just a tad bit easier to get through. 

Beyond Postpartum Depression

PPD is vicious, but postpartum psychosis has an even more horrible grip. Fortunately, it is fairly rare, affecting 1-2 mothers in 1,000. Its rarity is a good thing, because 10% of cases result in suicide or infanticide. According to the Mayo Clinic, postpartum psychosis symptoms usually develop within a week after birth. They can include confusion and disorientation, obsessive thoughts about the baby, delusions and hallucinations, sleep disturbance, agitation, paranoia, and attempts at self-harm or attempts to harm the baby.

According to Arizona Behavioral Associates (a therapy practice), there are about a half dozen risk factors for postpartum psychosis. These include previous postpartum psychosis, bipolar history, prenatal stressors (such as lack of social support or a lack of a supportive partner), obsessive personality traits, and family history of mood disorders.

There is some evidence that about half of mothers with postpartum psychosis experienced symptoms during pregnancy. If you are worried, you should talk with your doctor or midwife even before the birth. A CDC task force recommended in 2020 that providers begin screening patients for signs of PPD during pregnancy. So don’t wait until delivery to voice your concerns. 

You are unlikely to overcome PPD by yourself. The most important thing you can do is ask for help. Don’t let your family and medical providers brush you off. Keep asking for help until you get it. Be your best advocate!

Cover art by Chad Wheeler, tattooist and resident artist @singleneedle

DOUBLESOLID’s ROCKSTAR, Carolina, shares her mental health journey through Postpartum Depression here.

Furthermore, the same study found that “a dietary pattern characterized by a high consumption of red and/or processed meat, refined grains, sweets, high-fat dairy products, butter, potatoes and high-fat gravy, and low intakes of fruits and vegetables is associated with an increased risk of depression.” 

Observational Vs. Clinical Research

This was not a clinical study. It was a review of previously published research: 21 research projects in 10 countries. That’s why the conclusion doesn’t say anything about cause and effect but uses the words “associated with.” In fact, many of the studies of nutrition and mental health are “observational” like this. Clinical studies of nutrition are expensive and notoriously difficult to control. They often rely on self-reporting, and people don’t like to admit the truth when it comes to their diet.

But randomized controlled trials are beginning to appear, and they tend to confirm what the observational studies find. In a study published in 2017, Australian researchers worked with 67 people who had both bad diets and major depressive episodes. They divided the subjects into two groups. For 12 weeks, one group got social support counseling and the other got skilled dietary counseling. The dietary counseling recommended a modified Mediterranean diet (the one with fruit, vegetables, whole grains, fish, olive oil, etc.). Everybody was assessed at the beginning and the end of the study with a standard depression rating scale known as MADRS. Not only did the dietary group do significantly better on the MADRS. But “secondary outcomes included remission and change of symptoms, mood and anxiety.” In other words, 12 weeks of eating healthy may curtail your depression.

But Why?

Research shows that good nutrition plays an important role in mental health. Now we get to the part where I speculate on why. I think there are two connections. First, eating well tends to make you feel good, while eating poorly tends not to. I think this is more than the satisfaction you usually feel from having behaved virtuously. It’s actually a health condition. Eating well contributes to healthy bowel movements, sustainable energy levels, and better sleep, and all those contribute to feelings of well being.

Second, eating well means taking in lots of anti-oxidants and anti-inflammatory foods, which means less inflammation in your body. The medical establishment recognizes that chronic inflammation leads to heart attack, stroke, diabetes, cancer, and auto-immune diseases. But studies have begun to appear showing that it’s also associated with mood and anxiety disorders.

Nutrition for Mental Wellness

I won’t suggest that eating a carrot stick will protect you from mental illness. But I know that eating healthy makes me feel better, more active, and more grounded than when I eat fast food or junk. I also believe that a healthy diet makes it easier to achieve the balance I need for mental wellness.

For National Nutrition Month, why not look at your eating habits? Making sure you’re getting lots of fruit, vegetables, whole grain, fish, olive oil, and low-fat dairy will, at the very least, make your body healthy. And there is science that shows it can do it for your mind and emotions, too.

P.S. For more information on the Mediterranean Diet, consult Wikipedia, the Mayo Clinic, or the American Heart Association. If you want a brief introduction, together with a meal plan, check this page at Healthline.

Cover art by Chad Wheeler, tattooist and resident artist @singleneedle 

Click HERE to go right to our submission page! 

For many, maintaining mental health is twice the struggle it needs to be. You may even struggle with mental illness, but then you struggle in your efforts to hide it. Our culture attaches stigma to mental illness, which is absurd when you think about it.

According to the CDC, one in five Americans will experience mental illness in any given year. More than 50% of us will be diagnosed with a mental illness in our lifetimes. How can something that is arguably one of the most common characteristics of modern life carry a stigma?

The stigma is not only phony, it’s stupid.

Why does it have any power over us? The answer is it doesn’t. Decide the stigma cannot hurt you, and you will be free of it. One way to make that decision is to share your story.

So sharing your story helps to free you of the stigma. But it benefits those you share it with as well. Don’t just take my word for it. A 2019 study looked at 77 people who had “received” recovery narratives.

They found the ways in which narratives were helpful outnumbered the ways in which they might be harmful. According to the researchers, “Helpful outcomes of receiving recovery narratives are connectedness, validation, hope, empowerment, appreciation, reference shift and stigma reduction.” Which means according to myself, we do better when we communicate.

We do more for ourselves and our community when we stand up and be honest about how we are feeling. When we do that we deliver power to other folks to do the same. That's how we see DOUBLESOLID APPAREL taking part in changing how people think about, talk about, and address mental health. 

Once a month, we offer a story like yours here on the DOUBLESOLID site. You can find the stories here or from our dropdown menu. Please know each one of these stories was written with the intent to help the author explore their feelings and for you to explore yours. We discuss many subjects, different coping skills, and what others do to cope (among other things). You don't have to share your story to read those of others. We are here for you either way.

Think you may want to be one of our Rockstars? Your story can be an inspiration to others and a vital step in the process of freeing yourself from the false threat of stigma. This article will suggest some of the topics you may want to cover in your story.

Your Illness
What is the nature of your illness? What is it like to live with? What was it like to try to keep it hidden from others? Has it changed the direction you thought your life was taking? You have probably done some research on your illness. What have you learned about who it tends to affect (age, gender, race, socioeconomic status, personality type)?

A Day in the Life
How does your illness affect your day-to-day life? On what kind of days is it better or worse? How does it affect your relationships with friends and family? How does it affect your job? What problems has it created for you in your profession, your relationships, and your family life?

Touch Bottom Yet?
Assuming you have your illness under control (you probably wouldn’t be writing this account unless you have), what made you decide to make the change? What did you hear, see, or feel that twisted your guts and made you decide you needed help? In other words, what was your crisis?

Living on the Other Side
How has your life been since you gained control? What do you feel you have accomplished? What are your goals? How fo you think your struggle has contributed to who you are now? What is your advice for others who are struggling with an illness like yours?

Help Is Coming
What resources and organizations have been useful to you in managing your illness? Where can people with conditions similar to yours find help? Web addresses? Phone numbers?

Share Your Story
My topics are just suggestions. Chances are, the story began to shape itself in your mind the moment you began reading this piece. Go with your gut.

Full disclosure: the study of recovery narratives found some harmful among the mostly beneficial effects. Some people, on receiving a narrative, might feel inadequate, disconnected, pessimistic, or burdened by it. This can happen when the narrative doesn’t describe recovery sufficiently. So when you share your story, you may want to make certain it describes how you have overcome your obstacles. Note that the study also found that the harmful effects do not generally occur when the narrative was prerecorded or in print, as opposed to being shared in person. If you have questions, reach out to us anytime. As always, with any concern regarding your health, speak to your trusted professionals. 

The arc of your unique story probably follows a pattern. You fall, you get back up, and you move on with a little more strength, a little more self-compassion, and a little more understanding of your struggles and who you are as a person. But within that pattern are the personal details that make your story an inspiration to others. When you share your story, you vanquish the power of stigma for yourself and you provide hope and vision to others. Not bad for a single writing assignment.

Interested in becoming a DOUBLESOLID ROCKSTAR? We'd love to hear from you! Click here for our submission page!